Recently, as in the past 24 hours (and a few years in the making), I've personally come to the conclusion that I just will never come to terms with the religion that I've grown up with. Given that I am a logical creature, had I been created by a God that would have in fact designed me with this in mind, why did he not provide irrefutable evidence to his existence? I've asked this question (in a roundabout way) multiple times amongst believers and they respond with one of two things: one, proof exists in the bible, which is substantiated with claims of miracles. And two, the fact that we need to have faith and he will reveal himself to you. Faith that I personally just don't feel. I don't feel it. In church, during worship I just don't, and have never really "felt" it. What I do feel, is the genuine goodness in some that I know are believers. Some being really the most caring and good people I know and have ever known. But during worship, I could honestly say that I've had more religious experiences watching movies or at a concert.. which leads me to believe it's really just an emotional chemical high that I have been seeking rather than an actual connection to the ether world.
I went through the standard college years of doubt, of course returning to christianity in a sort of validation of my original beliefs, went through a period of what I can only describe as true belief, putting all worldly facts about religion out of my mind and just taking in what is handed to me through the church. God or Jesus never "revealed" themselves to me, but I ate all the other shit up for a good while.
And now I'm at today, I guess I just think that I can not find any difference in Christianity from the hundreds of other religions that I am supposed to ignore while following that doctrine. I could go on into philosophical discussion but the lack of proof coupled with the understanding that I shouldn't have to rely on other humans, and a book written by other fallible humans (the bible) that very well could be made up, to draw my belief system from, but I've gotten to a point where I really just don't have to explain it to myself, I just don't believe.
In fact, I'm writing this as my wife, who is a believer, sits across the room with absolutely no knowledge of my recent understandings about my beliefs, or lack thereof. I am unsure of what this would mean to her personally, she is easy going about most things, but being an admittedly more emotional brained creature I'm unsure she is at a point to understand
my point of view right now. Perhaps I will let her in on it slowly, in pieces, perhaps not, I just don't want it to affect her emotionally if she needs to think I am with her in her beliefs.
I guess I am not willing to discount the possibility, when dealing with the infinite, perhaps something that resembled what we think of God could be possible, but without proof........ well, I am waiting. And you know what, it's kind of invigorating really.
So hello everyone