Please God, forgive me, but I HATE Joel Osteen!

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I don't need / want / desire / solicit the forgiveness of any deity ... but Joel Osteen can take a long walk off a short pier for all of me ... and that's as polite as I can get regarding him and those of his ilk.

I confess that I had never heard of the guy. You know, Who the fuck is Joel Osteen ? I checked Wiki and watched 10 minutes of ''The power of 'I am''. Is he some kind of smiling Jesus ? I guess I will never know.


No, his bouffant hair and good ol' boy local yokel voice and East Texas accent, are really grating.  He makes me sick.

He's been around for a few years so he's not new by any means. When I first saw him I thought he was Jesus for a new generation. Good looking, smooth with words. I'll bet most mom would have been happy to have him date their daughter.

Yup, he's Elmer Gantry all right. Great book by the way. Lewis nailed it in 1926 and things haven't changed much since. I didn't grow up with preachers like that so they come across like space aliens. I suppose if you're from an area with a history of similar characters they would seem perfectly normal. You'd think the book would be the handbook we'd all use when determining what to run screaming from. Nope. I'd like to believe it put a dent in the popularity of these charlatans but they sure didn't slow down much.

Lot better than I could have said it, Greg, thanks.  I recall the incident on the jet that saw his blonde wife (what other color?!) chew out a stewardess for some minor infraction of courtesy resulting in a slander suit for damages.  Victoria Osteen won.  But it was a Texas jury, and Texans do love their Buy Bulls. If you ever saw or see today in syndication the old TV sitcom, Gomer Pyle, that is how Osteen sounds, only in a whiny voice and a shaking head pattern his long face and blue eyes and big lips -- some might think him the New Nice.  But he's like Eric Cantor: some times people tell lies/Behind blue eyes/Smiling faces, smiling faces, sometimes tell lies.  Great blues!

The neuroscientists tell us that religious beliefs are so ingrained they tend to be tenacious and lead to violently held positions on things based upon the dogma of this or that religion. Another good work on this theme is the stage play and movie of Inherit the Wind, in which a Darrow-like figure makes a fool of a Christian pedant but cannot overcome local prejudices, including prejudice against atheists.  (As we all know, Mr. Scopes was convicted.)  There is a great scene in the movie of Gantry where Burt Lancaster lambastes non-believers as messenger boys for Satan.

No, he is NOT some kind of smiling Jesus ... unless Jesus was yet one more snake-oil salesman, like the totality of all megachurch, fake-smile, "I-Have-THE-Answer", total-bullshit proselytizers that I have seen too much of in the US.

Truth be told, I want to face them all - Joel Osteen, Jimmy Swaggart, the late Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Donald Wildmon, Jimmy & Tammy Fae Bakker, Benny Hinn, Reverend Ike, Billy Graham, and others I can't think the names of.  I want to look them square in the eye until they can't hope to blink and say one word, one all-important and (to them) earth-shattering, mind-messing and world-undoing word:


If  you've seen the Paul Thomas Anderson movie, There Will Be Blood, you may recall the comeuppance of the sneaky preacher at the hands of the wealthy wildcatter who buys himself a mansion with a bowling alley in it.  When the preacher comes calling, the wiley protagonist bowls with his head instead of a ball.  But this is after he has forced him to admit that he's been lying all along about the existence of his god and that religion is false.  It is the finest atheist moment in the movies.


That might be why your dermatologist plays Osteen.  You are so focused on how smarmy and sleazy Osteen is, how much you hate his words and voice, you don't notice the poking and slicing and snipping.  You leave thinking "I hate Osteen" instead of "That procedure was really painful".  

Okay ... I'm about to get very un-politically correct here, so fasten yer seat belts:

FUCK Osteen.  Fuck his prosperity gospel and his church and every last word about either of those that has ever been uttered from his mouth.  Fuck it so hard it bleeds.  Fuck it hard enough that Osteen finally awakens from his bible-induced hallucination and recants each and every word he ever spoke about any of it.

Yeah, I KNOW I'm dreaming and that he won't ever wake up from his own delusion.  But it was a matter of getting that out of my system or finding the bastard and banging his head against a wall until it bled dollar bills.

A guy's got to have SOME standards, don't he?

"A guy's got to have SOME standards, don't he?"  Not Joel.

Amen Loren




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