Every now and then I think back to my days in church and remind myself of some of the silly notions I developed. Sometimes they are slightly amusing like when I would ponder going to hell because if hell was hot, heaven was, in my mind, obscenely cold. That idea sprouted when I was young, maybe around 8 or 9 and died not long after. However I remember wholeheartedly believing during my teen years that menstrual cramps and menstruation in general stemmed from Eve's consumption the forbidden fruit. I would get annoyed with girlfriends that were in genuine pain and mutter something like, "I guess that forbidden fruit wasn't worth it." I am many years removed from such ignorant thinking but it embarrasses me to this day.

So now that a small piece of the bullshit logic that religion produces has been showcased, I invite you to add any crazy idea that inhabited your mind during your time in religion.

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Core got stuck in his throat. Big whoop.

I tried many many times to offer my soul to satan if he would give me the ability to fly when i was a kid. I was dead serious too.

For your soul, all you get is a really cool goat themed guitar. If you want to fly, you need to offer him cold hard cash and your weight in chickens. You need to be more logical about it, sheesh! :)

You need enough thrust to make chickens fly, though.

I would pray that God would turn me into a bird so I could fly. Spent a whole summer afternoon as a kid crying to God in my backyard. Guess my circumcised heart and penis weren't good enough for him.  Probably would have found more success with offering Satan money. At least I wouldn't have any scars.

When I was 15, I thought prayer and reading the Bible would make me stop thinking about sex.  Didn't work.  read the damn thing cover to cover 3 times.  The up side is that led me to know the contradictions and the nonbiblical ways of christianity and ultimately to atheism.   


Many problems can be solved by the bible though!  Examples:

Leveling a table with one leg significantly shorter than the rest.  

Reaching high things that are just a few inches out of reach.

Thin pages make really good fire starters (kindling) in survival situations.

Speaking of pages and high things, I've heard the pages also make really good rolling paper (personally never tried, and I would think the ink would not be good, but it's what I hear).

Also, squishing bugs, pressing flowers, emergency TP...

crumpled pages could be stuffed into clothing for emergency insulation.

Can even be thrown at an assailant in self defense.


See?  While the bible won't solve ALL of life's problems, it is useful none-the-less. :-)


One of my favorite uses was to roll tobacco up with bible pages when i aquired some in county jail.

People didnt like that, but I care not, I needed a smoke.

Actually, as soon as the door closes and locks behind them, 90% of the people i've come across immediately find jeebus and start praying fervently, probably in hopes that divine intervention will get the released. They are always calling for prayer circles and bible studies. Drives me batshit insane.




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