long ago i was 18, in the US Coast Guard and our 36 footer was flipped, one of us drowned. while we were under i had a fleeting thot. "God save me and i'll believe in You unreservedly". at this time i was a cristian. i still believed. so i figured that as a believer my thot must have been heard by god and that must have been why i was saved and another young man had been taken. of course god hears all prayers, and my thot was addressed to God. i had often been told by my grandmother, who had raised me off and on that God is Love. i had a pretty good idea of what love was. i knew that loving someone meant that you endeavored to help them. but God must have loved my fellow coastie, who had died, because of my fleeting thot. so now i was guilty of killing a fellow coastie. of course God answers prayers, right? but wait, God already knows everything, and yet He kept me alive while He took my friend, so i dont have this burden of guilt, since God knew what i'd do. and he must have approved it or my friend wud still be alive.
ok, God is love, yet he killed my friend. this fact began ringing in my head, and the more i tried to understand it the more confused i got. then i realized that God kills us all. and i was really confused. This is Love? in a few days, i'd figured that my grandma was simply wrong and that god must be the most evil thing imaginable and was unworthy of any worship. a few days later i visited the Coos Bay Oregon library and took out a bunch of books on atheism, and after i read a few of them i had shucked the whole god thing.