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Jesus Got a Haircut!

I'm impressed! The last time I saw photos of Jesus, he had long flowing locks. Damn hippie! Tonight I came home to this circular:

Almost trendy! At least it's not a mullet!

Jesus has really cleaned up his act. A goatee would be better, but hey, this is 2013 and full facial hair is in again. Plus, it's nicely trimmed, if full.

I remember reading somewhere, Jesus didn't really have the Tiny Tim hair style anyway. Something about, being a carpenter, the long hair was in danger of getting caught in his band saw or power drill and then he would need to miracle himself.

Not sure of his ethnicity - Alsatian maybe?

Well, at least everyone is smiling. They all have nice white teeth, too! Another of Jesus miracles, detailed in the book of Crest.

Then there's the 6-pack abs. How did he get those? Must be the fishing. Hard work hauling in those nets. I haven't had abs like those since I was 33.

Probably not the response the mysterious visitors wanted. I wish they were here so I could discuss "Brad Pitt Jesus" with them. He's much sexier than he was before his make-over.

Maybe next time. I always think of the best thing to say hours, even days, later anyway.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Dr. Allan H. Clark on March 18, 2013 at 10:23am

You're right! I think the picture is called, "Who's nailing whom?"

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Permalink Reply by Jim Piver on March 21, 2013 at 3:18am

Q. What were the last words Jesus heard before he was crucified?

A. "Cross your feet. We only have three nails."

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Permalink Reply by sk8eycat on March 18, 2013 at 4:36pm

"What would you think if a man in a white robe grabbed you from behind like that? I say use the mallet right away."

I dunno. It looks like that's what the guy with the hammer was praying for. There's something erotic about all xian services, hymns, and prayers...both homo and hetero.

When I was still going to church (when I was in high school), I couldn't help snickering at the song, "In the Garden." It sounds like a middle-aged spinster's wishful fantasy:

I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The son of God discloses

And He walks with me
And He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known

He speaks and the sound of His voice
Is so sweet that the birds hush their singing
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing

Anybody nauseated yet?

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Permalink Reply by Dr. Allan H. Clark on March 18, 2013 at 4:43pm

I always thought that was one of the most cloying hymns I've heard.

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Permalink Reply by Loren Miller on March 18, 2013 at 4:51pm

Sounds like a possessive stalker to me!

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Permalink Reply by Alan Perlman on March 18, 2013 at 6:38pm

Tells me that some people like their Savior to be up close and personal. In fact, I (a Jew who never heard it) find it crypto-sexual: can there be any doubt that the last two lines refer to post-coital ecstacy?

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Permalink Reply by sk8eycat on March 18, 2013 at 8:27pm

I don't know. When I was 16 I didn't know what "post-coital" meant, but it always sounded like an icky love song to me. I imagined a middle-aged woman who wore shapeless knit suits and orthopedic shoes, walking in her garden and dreaming about a man...any man...who would add some romance to her life. (This was in the 1950s)

The old ladies in the congregation loved it, so maybe they did secretly find it a bit of an erotic turn-on.

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Permalink Reply by sk8eycat on March 18, 2013 at 9:16pm

This link has nothing to do with the subject of this discussion, but when I mentioned "old ladies" whatever I use for a mind veered to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGMkCw858eE

Enjoy!

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Permalink Reply by Dr. Allan H. Clark on March 18, 2013 at 7:01pm

There is a sexual undercurrent in Christianity whether or not you read this particular hymn that way. Nuns are called brides of Christ and wear wedding bands. Saint Catherine of Sienna is supposed to have received Christ's foreskin from the Lord himself as a wedding band in a vision of ecstasy. Saint Teresa described a vision of ecstasy in which Christ or an angel was piercing her with his long golden spear and making her moan:

I saw in his hand a long spear of gold, and at the iron's point there seemed to be a little fire. He appeared to me to be thrusting it at times into my heart, and to pierce my very entrails; when he drew it out, he seemed to draw them out also, and to leave me all on fire with a great love of God. The pain was so great, that it made me moan; and yet so surpassing was the sweetness of this excessive pain, that I could not wish to be rid of it. The soul is satisfied now with nothing less than God. The pain is not bodily, but spiritual; though the body has its share in it. It is a caressing of love so sweet which now takes place between the soul and God, that I pray God of His goodness to make him experience it who may think that I am lying.

Even in the Old Testament we find in the Song of Solomon a verse that is very suggestive:

My beloved put in his hand by the hole [of the door] and my bowels were moved for him.

We are told that this is describing the relationship between Christ and his church. Needless to say these aspects are not emphasized in Sunday School lessons.

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Permalink Reply by Alan Perlman on March 18, 2013 at 7:42pm

Thanks for revealing the creepy underbelly of Catholicism as only an insider could. Not surprised, though.

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Permalink Reply by Dr. Allan H. Clark on March 18, 2013 at 8:06pm

Never been an insider as far as Catholicism goes, although for a time I dated an ex-nun.

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Permalink Reply by Dr. Allan H. Clark on March 18, 2013 at 8:51pm

There is a beautiful statue of Saint Teresa by Bernini —he of the columns in St. Peter's. In the sculpture it is a pretty young angel who penetrates her with his arrow. She seems to be enjoying it.