This is a blog post from Atheist in FundyLand. I thought it actually might get more reads here. ;)



As a classically-trained vocalist, I need my music fix. Open MIC Night was a blast until I met up with the fundy rock-and-fossil-shop owner. She happens to be heavily involved with Open MIC Night. I happen to feel I’m under siege. This town is too fucking small!

I’ve tried to get “Rock-and-Fossil-Store Fundy” out of my system, but every time I think about her, I am pissed anew. If she were just some average Jane, I might feel differently, but a rock and fossil shop owner has a duty to learn about evolution and geology. To do otherwise is a betrayal of natural beauty and that, to me, is unforgivable.

OK, OK. I’ll try harder to forgive her. No one ever said living in FundyLand™ was easy.

So now I am seeking my music fix in the FundyLand Community Chorus™. We’re doing Elijah by Felix Mendelssohn, a bloody story depicting the fall of the worshipers of Baal. Mendelssohn wrote Elijah in both German and English. Usually, I prefer the language of the original composition, but that annoying Mendelssohn jerkwad had to go and make the lyrics completely understandable. Fuck that guy.

“But Mom! I don’t listen to the words! I only listen to the music!”

OK, I try to only listen to the music, but when the lyrics are in English, it’s hard not to notice the bad writing and contradictions.

For example, Chorus 29 is entitled “He Watching over Israel.” It’s a lovely piece, a standard for any serious choral member, but let’s face it: god is a crappy writer.

He watching over Israel
Slumbers not, nor sleeps.

Excuse me, but isn’t “sleeping” very nearly the same thing as “slumbering”?

“No!” exclaims the fundy. “The two words are very different in Hebrew.”

I suspect the fundy knows about as much as I do about the original Hebrew, but I grant him his point. “OK. Even if the Hebrew version is well-written, why is the English version crap? Wouldn’t an all-powerful god want his book to be perfectly understood in all languages? Here, let me write some lyrics for Chorus 29. They’re nearly as sensible as the real lyrics:”

He watching over Israel
Moves rhythmically not, nor dances


He watching over Israel
Masticates not, nor chews


He watching over Israel
makes sense not, nor coheres

I’m as good a lyricist as god! Someone make me a job offer! I’m broke and stuck in FundyLand™!

Last week we were supposed to learn Chorus 9:

Blessed are all they who fear him.
They ever walk in the ways of peace.
Through darkness riseth light to the upright.
He is gracious, compassionate, righteous.

This week we are learning Chorus 16:

Take all the prophets of Baal
And let not one of them escape you.
Bring them down to Kishon’s brook;
And there let them be slain.

In my mind, I daydream of standing up in the middle of rehearsal: “Gee, killing all the prophets of Baal sounds really peaceful and compassionate. Oh wait a minute. I forgot the bible is a just a myth written by bronze-age goat herders living in caves. My bad. We can go on singing about slaughtering people now.”

Every face is turned toward me. Though all the doors are closed, I hear crickets chirping: the accompaniment to all the fundies turning their backs on me. The fundies know the music and the words. Not a Christian? Go to hell...both here and in the next life.


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That is why I love Bach's Mass in B Minor. All in Latin. :-D
I feel all mythed out after than one!?


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