They say that children are born every day with a genetic predisposition to critical thinking; now maybe that's true and maybe it isn't. For the greatest majority of my childhood I can remember being in a church that was run by my Step-Uncle. For so many years I was a gun-ho christian. The highlight of my week was the days we got to go to church. Over the course of my time there, I worked my way through the ranks; as a sunday school assistant, an "Armor Bearer" (which is an official title for the pastor's bitch) For the most part, just being involved in something was the soul drive. When it came to the spiritual stuff, I always felt like I was putting on a show more than "feeling" anything. I constantly picked up on subtle "irrationalities" throughout my time there. The first time I went to church was when I was only 10 years old. This older women sat down next to me and started speaking all these sweet words to me about how great it is to be a servant of god, and how great it is to be a sheep in Jesus' flock. Etc. Etc. The first thing I remember saying was; "Where did god come from?" after several minutes of lengthy explanations and her concocting all this verbal garbage, and spinning this web of bullshit that boils down to, "isn't god wonderful?" I figured there was a disturbance in the force. Thanks to my childhood naivety I went along with it anyways. Skip ahead about 6 years, the specific moment when I realized something was wrong, was standing outside of our temporary church I was just about to go in and I could almost feel something tick in my head, like somebody hit a light-switch in my brain. For the first time since I was going there I wanted to be someplace else, I wanted to be someone else.
From then on I always sort-of used the church and religious stuff to my advantage. For example: Between the ages of 17 and 18 I got myself in trouble on multiple occasions for kissing a girl I liked in random hiding spots around the church. I thought it was normal for a guy who likes a girl to kiss her, and I never had a girl come onto me like that before. According to them I could not have been more wrong, I might as well have shot someone's dog and hung it from the rafters. As a result of them criminalizing my new favorite past-time; I went on a year long struggle. Not only with my belief in god, but also my belief in my sexuality. This didn't help the hole I kept digging for myself. I am, however; a problem solver by nature. One Sunday, after the "lecture" was over, I sat in the pew angry as all holy hell, until someone came up to me and asked me if I wanted to go pray. In an instant I came up with the perfect idea, I stumbled to the front of the church like I was reluctant to go, dropped to the floor, and started to breathe heavily through my mouth until I was drooling. The pastor, my step-uncle-in-law-twice-removed, told me I should repent. The act broke and I said loudly "Repent of WHAT!!!" Which immediately prompted an emergency exorcism. I've never been to one before, so I'm not sure how they're supposed to go. On the plus side I learned two very interesting things. Christians will believe anything if they think it's part of what god wants, and faking demonic possession is the greatest way to get out of trouble if your family is crawling with religious looneys...
Thanks for following along, you've been wonderful.
We all have had our aha moments or quiet, thoughtful journeys to the truth but we have all gotten here on A/N sooner or later. I like the idea that we are all born atheist and then indoctrination takes over. Those are most fortunate who get to skip the indoctrination.
I remember the "Show Runner" of the church we attended stressed how crucial it was to indoctrinate kids while they were young; because the chances of converting kids when they're in their teens were significantly reduced.