I'm not sure I can go to her funeral due to health issues, but I'm already dreading it. I've had to explain my general distress a few times, once to the manager of my apartment complex. She said, "The one thing that gives me comfort is I know my loved ones are resting in the arms of the Lord."

How rude is that? Why do Christians always assume I'm a Christian, too? I no longer keep my mouth shut, so I said, "I don't believe in god."

A moment of silence. "Then for you it is a loss."

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, the single biggest reason for belief in fairy tales: fear. Fear of death and dying. Fear of the unknown. Fear of everyday trials. Fear of the future. Fear of loss. Fear fear fear fear fear.

Hell yes it's a loss. It should be seen as a loss by everyone. Grandma is not in the arms of baby Jesus. She's fucking gone and I can't believe in something ridiculous to soften the blow, nor can I fully express my feelings to my family.

If I go to the funeral, I don't think I can take all the fairy tale nonsense that takes place to comfort the religious.

Everything is built around them. The same day she died, I had to spend several hours in the ER. There was a chapel in the hospital, religious flyers on the walls, bibles on all the end tables. Where was the help for people who have thrown off comfortable lies? 

Sometimes I worry that a huge emotional blow will send me scurrying back to religion, even though I can't logically believe in it anymore. There was a time I was so sick I was thinking, "I'll believe in anything. Just make it stop!" And yet I still couldn't make myself believe.

Now I wonder if I should have just gone along with the apartment manager. Christians get really nasty when you tell them you don't believe. If some issue comes up, maybe she'll be prejudiced against me and resolve the issue against my interests simply to spite me. You never know how religious people are going to react. Regardless, I just wanted to say something so she would realize how rude it is to make such assumptions. Maybe next time she'll say something less obnoxious. Probably not, but people need to know we're out there and that we have feelings, too.

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 One thing that has helped me is eliminating foods that I have delayed-onset food allergies to.  The food reactions make me hyper-reactive. 

I'm much more emotionally stable now and have a more solid center than I used to. 

This kind of food allergy is more likely if you have other kinds of allergies, like inhalant allergies or contact allergies.  I'm hoping that allergy shots will help me over time with my delayed-onset food allergies. 

I do still get "triggered" though, and I hate being in that state, because it tends to bring shit down on me (not sympathy) from other people. 

...which is making me wonder, once again, if I should just keep my mouth shut. :( Today I just feel frustrated.



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