Every so often, I used to receive email from a certain Jesus licking idiot who, for reasons beyond me, believed I was a member of his church... and by proxy, a member of his nation.

Neither of which I belong to.

 

Now, it's not my place to remind him of what I believe should be his reality, but I did so out of frustration. I reminded him that I neither belonged to his church, nation, nor even remotely belonged to his religious beliefs...

... somehow this was taken as an insulting cry for advice, and desire to join his congregation, thusly, he invited me to his church... still ignoring the part where I'm not even part of his nation... and shockingly, not even in his state... and even more shockingly, apparently not in the same area of his neighborhood, nor street, as we later came to realize.

 

(The shocking revelation of not being on his street came with some epic tension, the plot really had me on the edge of my seat the entire time, different nation is one thing, different street is just ****ing mind blowing)

 

After some re-assurance of exactly what reality might be... he finally stopped emailing me.

... his congregation however, seems to have taken up his cause.

 

Here's where I need you ... I present to you, the latest e-mail. (From the congregation)

---------------------------------------------------------

From : ****************

To : (seriously questioning why I put up with them, Johnsky)

Re : Thursday Announcements

 

Hello everyone!  It's that time again for Thursday Announcements.  Here are a few:

 

1.  This Thursday - Casserole Night

2.  Remember to pick up your dishes after service

3.  Youth meet every Sunday at 6:00 p.m.

4.  Pat and I are actively working with the New Room along with the outreach ministries. Several families in the Open Range Congregation benefit from the food pantry and other ministries there as well.

            We are asking Open Range to join area churches and participate in an old fashioned pounding to restock the pantry. The food pantry assists numerous families on a weekly basis. We have enjoyed         having members of Open Range frequent the facility in many capacities, including serving others. The New Room is a faith based community center with many volunteer opportunities, and home to Shreveport's only free clinic, The Pool of Siloam Medical Ministry.  If you have any questions I will be happy to try and answer them I can be contacted at the Pool of Siloam office ### ### ####.

            Please share the items on the following shopping lists with our church family. We hope to have the items in the pantry the week of September 25, 2011

We need the following staple items:

Flour

Sugar

Corn meal

salt and Pepper

Can milk

Potatoes and Onions

Baking powder

Baking soda

Cooking oil / Shortening

Thank you so much for your participation!

 

If you would like to help Pat and Michelle Dillahunty out contact them at the above phone number.

 

See you Thursday,

Gayla

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.
For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers.  He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day".    
Psalm 91:1-5

-------------------------------------------------

 

Now, normally when someone invites me over for an "Old Fashioned Pounding" I tend to put any past annoyances out of my mind, and go and participate.

 

However, this time, I want to come up with a humorous reply. Something to turn into a joke of sorts. Now, I'm at wits end myself, but I just KNOW there are some dry wits out there who can turn this mistaken personality fiasco into a laugh riot.

 

So, let me know what YOU think I should reply with, and we'll see where this goes.

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What country and part of that country is this congregation from?

 

If they are from North America's Southern or Western United States, then this means they are going out looking for donations.  My grandmother used to say this when she went shopping for food, canning vegetables, making things for later in the week, or freezing food for the winter.

 

Other parts of the English speaking world, speak English, but talk in different languages.  The vernacular of every geographic location has different connotations associated it.

 

 

There is mention of Shreveport, which makes me think the congregation is in Shreveport, Louisiana.  Louisiana is in the (very) deep south, lined up with Mississippi and Alabama.  (You jus' ain't gittin' eny deeper 'n 'at.)

 

I lived there for a year, some 15 years ago.  Interestingly, I learned the southern end of the state is Catholic and therefore -- get this! -- more laid back, relaxed, open minded, and full of partiers!  The northern end is its opposite, due to being in the official Bible Belt, full of Baptists and other hard liner non-Catholics, including the most fundamental of backwoods fundamentalists.

 

It's hard to imagine them noticing a joke for what it is, they're so very serious, and yet, it's still worth a try.  What harm can it do?  I haven't come up with one, yet, but I'm trying...

How about, "Y'all are so kind to invite me, but are you really sure you want a Yankee, there?  I am so far north of the Mason-Dixon Line, it make New York City look like the south.  But, then, that's Canada for you.

Well, I couldn't think of anything humorous enough to make a response to these people worth the effort... so I let it be. Maybe they'll give me an obvious angle later in another email.

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