I loved the first response I saw:
"I tracked down the person who hit your car and caused their kidneys to fail. If you want to sell them one of yours you can make a little new car money."
Also on hell,
"I will tell you it’s not temporary in most cases, but occasionally I’ll pardon someone. Satan says it sweetens the despair when everyone knows there’s some tiny shred of the hope of relief from the suffering. We’ve had some spirited debates on that subject, but I defer to his expertise" God is such a joyful sadist!
Thanks for posting this! It's a lot of fun!
P.S. I thought god was "The Editor". Are there two?
"The Editor" maintains the site and sometimes makes minor corrections to what God says, but he's human. That's probably not very clear on the site (but makes more sense than the trinity).
May I ask a simple question. It might be theological. If the editor is editing god, does that mean the editor is more godlike, than god? I might start trembling.
Nah, it just means God is a busy dude.
How can someone who is exempt of space and time, omnipotent and omnipresent, EVER be busy? If this schmuck managed to create several quintillion cubic light-years of universe, why would one miniscule planet in all of that be so much fuss?
Maybe it's not so much he's too busy, and more that we are not worth his undivided attention.
Hannibal Burress has ruined prayer for me. I can no longer think about prayer without going back to his video. "Don't pray for me. Make me a sandwich!"
I know it's been posted before...
God, may I please have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Or maybe a Reuben?
Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you can't be bothered to DO something about my situation, FUCK THE HELL OFF!
Yeah, a sandwich would be nice, though ... know how to do a Reuben?
Here are some options.
I use 2 slices of dill rye bread, buttered.
On the bottom slice, I add 2 slices of Swiss cheese. I love the swiss with tiny holes, but they don't have that here. Must be midwestern.
Then some drained sauerkraut.
Then thin sliced cayenne peppers, then thin slices of onions
Then spread on a couple spoons of thousand island dressing.
Then depends on my mood. Since I'm vegetarian I leave out the corned beef. Sometimes I just add the other slice and grill as is, for a Naked Reuben. Sometimes I add a couple of slices of vegetarian bacon, then add the 2nd slice of rye, for a Virgin Reuben.
Then grill the sandwich. To pass time while grilling, you can say some prayers.
My favorite prayer is still the Alan Shepard Prayer (or astronaut's prayer). Sitting on top of the tube full of tons of fuel getting ready to take off he said, "Dear God please don't let me f&@! up"!