So I came out of the closet some time ago last year and told all my closest friends that I am an atheist. One of my friends is very into her faith and I knew of all my friends her reaction would be the one of most concern. Wasn't as bad as my other friends thought it would be because they thought that I shouldn't tell her at all. However, I really couldn't lie about who I was much less lie to a friend. So over a year has passed since they all found out now and to my knowledge they all love and care for me the same.

Last week, in a late class I have, I get a call which I ignored and a then a text from the one friend mentioned above. She said she was wondering if we could get together and hang out just the two of us because she had something important she wanted to tell me. So instantly my heart skips a beat and starts to speed up because I'm wondering if it's something bad. The way she said it made her sound rather dour. So needless to say I panicked necessarily so a bit, but we decided to meet up after my class. Now she's a good little roman catholic, but I will admit that the first thought was 'Pregnant'!

We made small talk and caught up about everything and anything until I inquired about what it was she had to tell me. At this she became embarrassed and said "you'll probably think this is stupid." I did the friend thing and said no I wouldn't unless it was severely so to which I'd explain why I thought it was ridiculous. So she's looking at me and I can see that she's getting pretty emotional (eyes tearing up, red face) and she say's that she prays for me. Right off I told her that it wasn't stupid.

However, I don't know if where I took it next was the best way I could have handled this. This is because I remembered an e-mail I got from someone once telling me if I ever need to talk blah blah blah... And I always had a nasty comeback in my head of "I understand your concern, but it is NOT appreciated." This was because I didn't want their petty sorry's and bullshit.

Thing is I said this exact same thing to my friend. That while I think I understood why she prayed for me, I could not honestly say that I appreciated them. This is by no means said with the snark of the first time, but I couldn't really lie to her and say "well thank you maybe your prayers will save my immortal soul." Just wouldn't happen ... So could I have handled this differently/better??  

 

Tags: Atheist, Friends, Prayers, Response

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It's not so much that I was affronted by her saying that she's been praying for me. Also I have no idea what she's been praying about be it "save my friends soul" or just "make her happy" or any other bull people could think of. I personally feel neutral about it because in my mind she's just doing it because it makes her feel like she's doing something and because I'm sure it makes her feel good.

However, I worry that she may have taken my comment as a snarky "well I don't need your damn prayers!" When really I was just trying to tell her in the most honest way I could that I really don't care if she prays for me. Just don't expect me to be grateful or whatever was going on in her head.   

I see no benefit to anyone in saying "I think what you're doing is stupid."  I can think it.  I know that (bumper sticker) "Nothing fails like prayer."  My wife had a relative who felt he must be honest to everyone at all times.  What it amounted to was being rude to everyone and creating unnecessary enemies.  I don't see how people praying for me can hurt me, and they feel they're doing something.  (OK, they aren't, but they think they are.)  I might say "Thank you for your concern" and let it go at that.

Never show or voice contempt for a friend that wants to pray for you.  It's a fruitless act.  If you don't want to be friends with that person, say what you want.  Tell them about their ridiculous beliefs but otherwise just tell them that it's unnecessary but that they can do as they please.  The prayer is truly for them.  Atheism isn't about making enemies of friends.  If anything, you hang around and discuss things if it is possible.  Some are so hopelessly brainwashed that it doesn't do any good but talking always ends up showing the truths involved.  We should be just as considerate and understanding as they are supposed to be.  True friends are hard to come by and sometimes you have to bite the bullet on issues you disagree about.  It's no different than a relationship.  At what point your religious disagreements actually destroy your relationship is up to you but if someone wants to pray for you or your soul, whatever.  Being insulted by it is kind of dumb.  Remember, it's not for you, it's for them.

Well said.

Why does Samantha, or anyone in this position, have to go on the defensive in a situation like this?  It was not she who wanted the meeting, it was not she who got all teary-eyed, and it was not she who asked her friend to talk to an imaginary sky fairy on her behalf.  Snarky or not, I think she handled it correctly.  "You want to pray, knock your socks off.  As for me, I find that all you are doing is wasting time talking to yourself.  But, if you feel the need to do that, do one other thing.  Keep it to yourself.  I don't appreciate it any more than you would if someone was trying to cram Islam or Hinduism down your throat."

Someone praying for you is not at all similar to someone proselytizing to you.  The anger is atheism needs to go.  We made it out.  We are above the b.s.  No need to gloat about it or be insulted about our fellow man's ignorance to what we already know to be true.  No need for us to ram our disbelief down their throats.  It makes us no better than them.  I've been there and it serves to counteract what we should be doing

I expect I would just say "thank you."  Your friend thinks it's the right thing to do, and she cares enough about you to do it.

 

Christians have some funny ideas about prayer.  I asked some students recently if all their prayers are answered because Jesus promised they would be.  They said a prayer might be answered later, even years later, and that you don't always get what you want, but you get what you need.  Weird.

Not really that weird, if you think about it.  Those suffering from mental illness (various forms of psychoses) have their own internal logic, which to them, justifies and rationalizes their delusions.  If you believe in the efficacy of prayer, then when it is not answered, it's not  because "Da Boss" doesn't answer prayer (if you admitted that, you've taken the first step in becoming a member of A|N). It's because 1) he has answered it in a mysterious way that you can't fathom, or 2) he knows what's best for you and will take care of it, in his own good time and manner, whether you think you need it or not.  The rationalization justifies the delusion.

Wishful thinking?  Perverse rationalization?  In this situation, what is true is what you want to be true. 

I was working with a few people in Michigan, who were very involved in their church.  We were traveling together and ate all our meals together. 

The first few meals, they asked if I minded if they prayed....I told them that if it gave them comfort to pray...then I had no problem with it.  This was before I was comfortable with my own belief system.

At one point they asked if I would like to "lead" the prayer.  I told them no....that my religious thoughts were personal to me and I was not comfortable being fully open. 

They took this the wrong way....thinking I was not proud of being xtian....

I genuinely like and respect the people I was working with, so.....I said nothing when they would mention me in the meal time prayer....they would pray that I would "take pride and ownership of my beliefs".....

If they only knew their "prayers" were answered.....just not the way they expected.

They made me understand and commit to what I knew I believed all along.

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