Way back when there was an episode of The Twilight Zone (probably along with Mad magazine one of the evil influences that corrupted my mind and turned me away from the one, true and universal church, thank god, or fate) in which a petty thief somehow ended up in heaven, he thought. Every detail of every afterlife robbery he committed automatically went his way. After several capers he finally got bored of this and asked his angelic keeper, “Is there any chance at all that I could get caught?” The keeper answered, “That can be arranged if you like.” The thief took pause, and speculated that he actually belonged in “the other place.” The keeper burst out laughing and said the final line of the episode: “This IS the other place.”


Bertrand Russell, one of my heroes and author of Why I Am Not a Christian, once said he’d be “terribly at ease in hell.” I would too. Nothing like flaming tea and crumpets. This is totally frivolous, but a treasured companion and I have ginned up lots of yuks over the years by thinking up questions to ask believers about the logically depraved concept of heaven. I’ve never had the nerve to put any of these questions to an actual christoid subscriber, and it’s kind of low-hanging fruit, but the potential for evoking sputters is rich. As an early retired Catholic, I’ve found that the more I think about heaven, the more it sounds like hell. Thought it might be fun to put our heads together and generate some further embarrassing heavenly interrogatives.


Some examples to get things started:


  • Do people fart in heaven? If so, do the farts smell like roses? Or is everyone’s ass sealed up?


  • When the last judgment is completed and you are bodily resurrected in heaven, how old are you? Do you have zits or cramps? How’s the food? If you’re a widow or widower who remarried, who do you hang out with, your recent spouse or your prior one? Or is it a foursome?


  • If you flip a coin in heaven, do you always win? What about the person you’re flipping against? Does s/he win too? Wait a minute. Do coins in heaven have two heads???


  • Speaking of head, do you get to have sex in heaven? (If not, it doesn’t sound very heavenly; if so, who do you get to have sex with? Are there parameters? Do you get booted out if it doesn’t produce a baby? (That’s a Catholic question; as Monty Python pointed out, protestants get to wrap their willies.)


  • What do you actually do in heaven for an eternity, and how does it not get boring? (An hour of choir practice back in grade school practically killed me.)


  • Are there poor people in heaven? [God, there goes the neighborhood.]  Or is it like communism and everyone gets what they need? Or does everyone become clones of Mitt and Ann Romney? [Wait a minute, we’d better check the address here.]


  • Do priests get to hang out with altar boys in heaven?

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That's a nice list of things to ponder about heaven. I've always heard that you could eat or not eat, but if you did eat then you would have to have a working ass just like here on earth. The bible tells of visiting angels who ate with men. They had to have an ass. It's easy to see by angelic visitation that men were the only ones sent in those days. The women angels were either subsurvient or they didn't travel.

On the sex issue, I was always told "no sex" in heaven. This makes me wonder if people would have sex organs at all. What about the belly button. Would people still have a belly button?

Poor people in heaven. Oh, no! The streets are lined with gold but it gets stolen all the time. God would have to replace it, and he would always be working on the streets also because gold is so fragile.

All the wonderful singing in heaven could go on for so long that you would beg to be sent to hell. Strange to me that all the theists cannot see this. They pretend not to.

What about the people who make it to heaven, but whose loved ones didn't? Can you truly enjoy heaven as you should, knowing that some of (okay, MOST of!) your loved ones are suffering terribly? For all eternity??

In the bible, it actually says that part of the FUN of heaven is listening to the screams of the tormented. So part of the initiation I suppose involves some sort of brainwashing to make people sadistic. Or are the people who make it there already sadistic, having been religious all their lives?? I mean, they went out in droves to see snuff films like The Passion of the Christ. The subject of which they can't stop talking about.

You are right on the money, Christine. I've long maintained that Christianity is a death cult. Throw in a dash of sadism and voila, you've got fundamentalists of all stripes.




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