Right off the top - I did not write this, and I honestly do not know who did.  I stumbled onto it this morning on the hard drive of my laptop, in a folder of a collection of written pieces I have collected over the years.  In reading it again, it struck me that the A|N audience would appreciate its wry humor, and I therefore offer it to you here.

Please enjoy.


It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today, I registered to vote as a Republican...

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Excellent Loren the wife and I are still laughing.

Wow, that's tremendous! And scary how it hits home.....

Just yesterday, on the way home from working some overtime, I was on the train with my husband (who also did a few hours' worth at his job.) I was lamenting how I'm a "nerd" when it comes to work, yet this one guy- who chitchats all day, smokes, cuts out early etc.- gets a better review than I do. "I don't understand it, how does he get away with all that?!" In fact, a lot of people at this job tend to goof off, cut out early, shop online, talk nonstop.....and my review comes out "average."

When it comes to grocery shopping, I drive my husband a little nuts with my insistence that he buy only humane meat (I only eat fish sparingly, no chicken or red meat), I consider the budget and the nutritional value of food, try not to waste anything, compost scraps......

Movies annoy me, they're usually overpriced Hollywood crap, and we only watch (mostly) somewhat educational stuff on cable. At work, I listen to lectures much of the time (and, uh, NPR!) while tuning out the chatty co-workers (some of whom still try to get my attention to chat even when I have earbuds in.)

Honestly, it must be a nice, easy life for people who don't think. Any TA meetings around here?!!

Then there's the problem of thinkers pissing people off when they tell unwelcome truths.  Just like drinkers getting into barroom brawls ;)

In vino veritas.

Loren thank you for posting that important message!!!  Reading that has caused me to stop and think about my own thinking.  I know, as well, that thinking and the workplace are incompatible, but I have insisted on, not only thinking, but thinking openly and shamelessly.

The more I think about it, the more I think I need to respond to a Cage questionairre...

Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your thinking? - Yes!
Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your thinking? - Yes!
Have you ever felt Guilty about thinking? - yes!
Have you ever felt you needed to think first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a conundrum?  - yes!

Holy moly!  I think I'm in trouble!

Maybe just a little thought....  not a big one.  I can stop there.  Just a thought.

How about that.  I've never heard of a Cage questionnaire until now.

Being serious, as I'm wont to be:

Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your thinking? - NO WAY!
Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your thinking? - Yes!
Have you ever felt Guilty about thinking? - NO WAY!
Have you ever felt you needed to think first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a conundrum?  - yes!

To further paraphrase the questionairre...

Two "yes" responses indicate the possibility of thoughtfulness, and should be investigated further.



I like it!!!

As I neared the end I was expecting Thinker to save himself by registering as an xian.

The story requires me to do some thinking: Do I have to register as a Repub before I'm allowed to register as an xian, or do I have to register as an xian before I'm allowed to register as a Repub?

Thinking is the curse of the masturbating class.

I have to admit this hits pretty close to home for me.

Lately, I've been getting out of bed and I can't wait until I'm able to think clearly.

I find myself moving my thinking materials to a place it can't be seen on my workbench. On a few occasions co-workers have seen me surreptitiously remove some thinking materials I keep in the back of the file cabinets.

On the way home, people sometimes honk at me. I'm so deeply in thought I'm incapable of recognizing the stop light has changed.

I think, therefore I have a problem.

Unfortunately this alert has not helped.  I can't seem to stop thinking.  Help!

Loren that one is priceless.




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