Well I better tell a little about myself first. I'm a senior in High School in the Memphis city district here in Tennessee, pretty much dead center in the bible belt. My family moved here not for religious reasons but rather my father got a better job at FedEx. My father I've always considered a neutral person, he leaned towards the liberal but he hated the idea of two separate parties dividing our government, he couldn't abide the fanatics of religion and always told me to think for myself. He even went as far as to introduce me to philosophy such as Plato, Nietzche, and George Orwell. Really he's been my inspiration for just about everything and yes he does believe in a God but strangely also holds ideals in Buddhism. He even has a Golden statue that as a kid he told me to rub the belly for good luck just before school, heh good times. Anyway, my mother on the other hand... a bit of a difficult situation with her, she's made it her duty to give me a verse from the Bible everyday. As a child I was forced to attend church and really I didn't see it so bad. Got to hang out with other kids but for some reason.. I've always felt so empty inside when I hear the preacher speak. I liked the songs for they rhymes not the message and I always felt awkward during those bible circles they did. I never mention how I felt to anyone but deep down inside I resented everything they said with a passion. I doubted their words and their beliefs and looked back on the Crusades, Salem Witch Trials, the Holocaust, and just about everything religion had ever done to divide people and I just feel... angry. The thought of being an atheist passed my mine but it was just one of those words you don't remember very well and slips into obscurity every so often.
I bottled all that up though, locked it up into the corner of my mind to gather dust but still it lingered and twitched as I grew older. I just became a senior that little blemish in my mind hasn't just been twitching but its been growing. I stopped going to church long ago but I still tried to fit in with the rest of the Christians in my life. Most of my friends, my girlfriend, most of my family, and my parents are Christians, some of them very faithful, imagine the dilemma that'd come from admitting I've been lying each time said 'God'. I never had a problem with religion as long as they didn't force their ideals on me and each time they did I felt that empty feeling inside me grow like a pit. The word atheist has sprung up in my mind again. So far I've done my research and the belief fits me.. strikingly well but I don't know if I'd be able to admit it to anyone or to let it fester again. I know for a fact my father will accept it without question and even poke fun at me for it but my mother I have no idea. Some of my friends will remain while my girlfriend will most likely dump me so I could see admitting the equivalent of a slur word here in Tennessee wasn't very beneficial except to my conscience. I'm not sure if I want to admit myself to believing in nothing, just seems so empty. I've thought about believing the Buddhist principles like my father with Karma and gentleness to all things, I've already done that in my life, but still the festering dislove I feel for the Church remains.
I just don't know anymore where my beliefs lie. Before typing this out I thought it strange to ask what my belief should be on an atheist site though I doubt I'd get much more support from the Church, mosque, or maybe a temple. All I know is, Christianity and God isn't my belief and never was the problem is I don't know where I belong