Hi everyone! I'm new to this site so be kind to the noob. :)


Here's the situation...


I've gotten alot of comments from my friends about the type of guy I should be looking for now that I've recently become single. They all think I should be putting religion aside and finding someone I can have the life I want with. Its as if them being religious is something I have to learn to ignore just because I actually do wanna get married and have somewhat of a steady, normal life.

But its just soooo important to me, more than I would llike to admit that whoever I spend the rest of my life with is as athiest as I am, if not more...somehow.

If I'm sitting at a bar talking to a tall blonde with perfect hair and a smile that could bring a puppy to life and later find out he's christrian, I immediately want nothing more to do with him. Just the thought of having to love something so closely knit to something I hate is almost nauseating.


Alot of my friends and family think its irrational and almost offensive. Is it really?

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This was heavy, like Sinead O'Conner:

True friendship works the same way as waiting for Love. You are never to go looking for Love, for she will find you in your own diving time when you are ready for Her. Friendships that were meant to be, happen spontaneously and by chance. Friendships that you go looking for, or friendships that you force to happen, will never be true. Sit back and think about the true good friends in your life right now and how you really met them. You will find out that they all stumbled into your life through a loved one, another friend, on the job, while pursuing a hobby, or randomly at an event.

Now think back to your initial feelings when you first came across these beautiful souls that have been good to you. You will find that when you met each one of them, you felt your soul smile and dance inside. Immediately both of you became excited and began communicating in a song of familiarity. You will also recognize that over time, this person has offered help, guidance, and support before you even asked them you needed it. They reciprocate your kindness or give more than they take, and have always added positive value to your life. Sometimes when we feel broken inside, we become blinded from Truth by our current situations, that we may sometimes push these true friends away. This is normal, but these friends will always come back to you when you need them.

Those that say they have thousands of friends are only fooling themselves. Each man in the universe was hand-selected only a handful of true friends from the divine can all be counted on one hand. Do not confuse an acquaintance or association as a true friend. This is why people get hurt and become frustrated when they feel cheated by people they considered their friends. This does not mean to close your hearts to friendships. Open them wide for you never know when a true friend will stumble into your world if you do not open the gates for them to find you. The relationships that come and go like the weather were meant to be transitional as such. They help shape us, break us, and re-build us into the titans we were meant to be. Transitional relationships exist only to teach us something we need to know about ourselves -- to help us evolve into better human beings.

True friends will always be there to hold you up when these transitional relationships blow in and out of your life like the wind. True friends bring the sunshine into your life. They will guide you or hold your hand until the storm has passed, and the dark clouds have made way for the sun. If you do not have people like this in your life, it's because you have failed to acknowledge true friendship at your doorstep. Do not judge another man based on his appearance, what he has in his pockets, his skills, hobbies, degrees, or personal lifestyle -- for all that is irrelevant in the game of friendship. When you start judging beautiful souls that may appear to you as crows, you will always find yourself alone. You will be your own scarecrow.

You will know if a person you are excited to have as a friend is a true friend or not -- only with Time. Time tests all relationships. Yet the easiest test of them all is the test that comes from Truth. If your soul dances the same way, with no hurt feelings, when you have not seen your friend for years, and the common song you once both shared plays the same notes as if you have just met them again for the first-time, or had never separated, then your friend is worth more than their weight in pure solid gold. True friendships are born to stay and never fade away. If you have a friend who always harms you, envies you, pushes you down, has cheated you even once, and competes with you in the negative, then wake up. What you have around you is nothing but fool’s gold. Dispose of the relationship like you would cast away a pebble and wait, for the sun will shine over a worthier stone and present it to you...after it turns it into pure shining GOLD.

By Suzy Kassem
No. I would be unable to date anyone, much less marry them, if they're any sort of theist. I would do my best to make them see the light, and THEN I would date them. I'm on your side.

It's like telling a Christian to marry a Satanist. Not the actual Satanists, the Christian Satanists. They wouldn't do it. Ever.
You are not harsh but on the other side a very senseable person. If I would have been single, I would have certainly made the same decision. Life is not to be wasted in compromises. Its more plasent to be in the company of a like minded person.
I believe this is neither irrational nor offensive. You are looking for a life partner. You want someone who will not only respect your world view, but who won't try to indoctrinate your child(ren) with a skewed world view. In addition, your child(ren) will eventually grow up and move away from your home. If you are lucky, you will have many years with just you and your life partner enjoying each other's company. How much nicer that will be if you can talk intimately and agreeably about anything at all, including your views on theism, atheism, or nontheism.
Attraction/falling in love is the easy part....remaining "in love"/keeping intimacy alive is the hard part.

I definitely think a common worldview is necessary for a long term relationship. And that's what it sounds like your goal is. And some issues take time to come to the surface...at least religious affiliation is easy to find out early in the dating process. (Not like the secret nose-picking issue...which may not be discovered until MUCH later...yikes!)

I just think mixed marriages (with different levels of religious/non-religious commitment) are placing one more stumbling block down that spouses will continually trip over. I'm not saying it's impossible but it would be a strain that may eventually doom the relationship to failure...it's a lack of compatibility issue. And it certainly isn't offensive to think about all this stuff BEFORE you plunge back into the dating game. I think it is the sensible, rational approach to what potentially becomes the most emotionally satisfying (or unsatisfying) part of your personal life!
I can't think of it as irrational, it's a matter of self-respect really.

My boyfriend comes from a religious family but does not believe, although he's rather agnostic and sees some good in religion. But I'm working on it ;-)
But how would you work with someone who's religious? I know I couldn't. How would I ever sleep with someone who thinks I will burn in hell for this very act? How would you?

There's a lot of people who declare themselves as belonging to a certain religion and on closer inspection turn out not to really believe in god as such, but that's just how they grew up. As long as you have your moral views in common, you can work with it. You can always deconvert an agnostic...

Good luck!!!
I don't think you are being irrational or offensive in any way ^_^
I'm the same way, I won't date a girl who isn't atheist, haha and there are not many atheist teenagers around southern Cali
there are not many atheist teenagers around southern Cali

You think that's tough? When I got married, 42 years ago, there weren't many teenage, middle age or old age Atheist around. Fortunately my wife was not the norm - we have enjoyed 42 years of heathen bliss. The bliss does get a bit ragged from time to time.
My two daughters and 4 grandkids are also Atheist.
I think honesty is the key if you being an atheist keeps you from connecting with someone then yes it is a problem. I left a relationship for this very reason I did not think I had to make it apparent that I was the most spiritual person in the world, but it seemed to matter to my ex wife and soon it matter to me. I dont think you should base you search totally on wether or not an atheist just be cautious.
I'm sure this has been said in various ways in the previous comments, but you want what you want. Its better to be honest with yourself and whomever you date/get serious with than to try to hide a part of yourself.
I have revised my thinking a bit from when I first read your question. If I were single I would not automatically assume that just because a guy is an atheist that I'd want to be with him. For example, I am moderately progressive in my views on public policy, social justice, etc, and, yes, I know that many atheists are also this way but there are also many atheists who's views are very incompatible with mine. So, I might find that I had more in common with someone who belonged to say, a liberal protestant denomination but who shared the same moral/ethical values than with, say, someone who is an ultra libertarian or objectivist. I came to this conclusion recently after participating in some threads on other atheist sites about the new U.S. health bill - the vitriol and, yes, irrationality - the sheer crazy - from some of the people who opposed the legislation made realize that some people who are avowed atheists can be just as brainwashed and kooky as the most brainwashed/kooky religious people. So it is probably a good idea to use more than one screening question when seeking someone.

And speaking of screening there is this fun thing on beliefnet - the Belief-o-Matic. It is a quiz that "tells" you what religion you should be. Told me I should be a "secular humanist" which is about right. Anyway, could be a good screening tool for potential mates!
Caitlin, I think you will just know when it is right, whether the person is a theist or atheist or agnostic. Don't rule them out because of their beliefs, but just don't expect to change them. If that guy is the right one, his spiritual beliefs may not matter, as long as you both are honest and clear about your beliefs and expectations. I agree with many here, that you need to be true to your own way of thinking. Don't compromise if you think that Mr. Right is really Mr. Not-quite-right.




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