I wrote this for a friend whose boyfriend died in a car accident, two years ago. She was wrestling with her faith at the time...
Falling in the dark
Unable to catch my balance
Swaying to the distant melodies
We drip with anticipation
Hungry, but unfed
This wild ride
That winds around
Up and down
Colorful like a carnival
My head spins
Promises in the wind
That never come true
Your mouth meets mine
Frozen, I do nothing
Tell me it will never end
Tell me I’m not dreaming
Then, my world explodes
You are gone
Only fragments of you exist in my head
Without a trace
Were you here at all?
He is in a better place
Say a prayer
And, The One will be sure to hear your despair
This ache, this suffering
It would be better to have never met you
Never loved you
Sifting through my hands, like a summer rain
Ah, but the heart never lets go
It winds around and holds tight
To even the mundane of all we shared
It won’t let me forget
This… breakable heart o’mine
Tell God…I miss you.
An interesting effort, the pain and longing come through but in my opinion most of the mid section is superfluous being better inferred.
My own practice is to tighten a poem (occasionally I admit to strangling the thing at birth), less words, more meaning.
In this instance I used inferred as a kind of shorthand (another of my failings) for the feeling I had that the poem was too specific in detail, trust your reader let him/her fill in the blanks.
The five lines starting 'He is in a better place' seem misplaced and if left out are not missed.
I wont say more, for one thing I am too busy right now, but there are several lines that could be removed without losing anything.