Deidre's Ramblings: This Dance

I wrote this for a friend whose boyfriend died in a car accident, two years ago. She was wrestling with her faith at the time... 

 

This Dance

 

Falling in the dark

Stumbling

Unable to catch my balance

 

Swaying to the distant melodies

We drip with anticipation

Hungry, but unfed

 

This wild ride

That winds around

Up and down

Colorful like a carnival

 

My head spins

Promises in the wind

That never come true

 

Your mouth meets mine

Frozen, I do nothing

This dance

This romance

Tell me it will never end

Tell me I’m not dreaming

 

Then, my world explodes

You are gone

Only fragments of you exist in my head

This dance

This romance

Vanishes…

Without a trace

Were you here at all?

 

He is in a better place

Heaven awaits

Say a prayer

Take care

And, The One will be sure to hear your despair

 

This ache, this suffering

It would be better to have never met you

Never loved you

This dance

This romance

Sifting through my hands, like a summer rain

 

Ah, but the heart never lets go

It winds around and holds tight

To even the mundane of all we shared

It won’t let me forget

 

This dance

This romance

This life

This pain

This suffering

This void

This… breakable heart o’mine

 

Tell God…I miss you.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Derek ~William Haughton on October 27, 2014 at 10:57am

An interesting effort, the pain and longing come through but in my opinion most of the mid section is superfluous being better inferred.

  Nicely done.

Permalink Reply by Deidre on October 27, 2014 at 11:09am
Thank you for reading and your comment. Curious, what do you mean by "inferred?" Always looking for insight and how to better improve my writing.
Permalink Reply by Derek ~William Haughton on October 29, 2014 at 7:21am

My own practice is to tighten a poem (occasionally I admit to strangling the thing at birth), less words, more meaning.

In this instance I used inferred as a kind of shorthand (another of my failings) for the feeling I had that the poem was too specific in detail, trust your reader let him/her fill in the blanks. 

The five lines starting 'He is in a better place' seem misplaced and if left out are not missed.

I wont say more, for one thing I am too busy right now, but there are several lines that could be removed without losing anything.  

 

Permalink Reply by Deidre on October 30, 2014 at 11:10am
Thank you for the feedback ...I will play with it and see if it flows better with your suggestion. :-)

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