Advice from Topeka
“Never trustnobody & you’ll live a long life.” --- Alma Peatree Price
A woman slips a note into a copy of the latest “Reader’sDigest” on sale at a shop at Dallasairport. The note says: “Hi. I’mMuffy. I'm young and gorgeous but lonely. Please write to me!" email@example.com.” Edna Appleby finds the note and responds, asfollows:
Dear Miss Muffy:
My name is Edna Appleby, from Topeka, Kansas. My granddaughter, Dotty, bless her heart, gave me that Reader’s Digestwith your note in it because she knows how much I love Reader’s Digest, dear.She herself never reads it because she’s a fashion designer in Los Angeles. I’mmuch older than you, I suspect, and I’m very very concerned you might beslipping this contact information in other magazines and it will fall into thehands of a ax murderer, one with brains enough to figure out where youlive. And I know all about ax murderersbecause Elmo, my uncle by marriage to my sister who never had any sense wasone. He done killed six women in a farmoutside of Topeka in the space of they say three minutes, including my sisterand her bingo friends, because he was a very big horribly strong man witha vial temper and no control at all and ugly as a dungbeetle to boot. And theyfried him, thank the Lord, so he’s been getting his just deserts for years.
Your a very lucky young lady, Miss Muffy. I just got thisWeb TV thing in the mail from my grandson Bobby and my naybor's sonBilly teached me how to use it and I’m having so much fun. Just imagine yesterday I found one of myelementry school classmates what lives in Baton Rougeand she writes me all about little Joey Figs, what used to be class clown, soshe tells me all about how he’s been indicated for securities fraud. You never can tell about people I always saywhich is what you should always be baring in mind, dear, because the world isfull of all sorts of terrible people and I don’t know why but the Lord has areason for everything. Amen.
Now my husband, Willy, who passed away five summers ago,bless his heart, was a good man and he worked hard while the babies camebursting out of me like little popovers. We fed those babies and I took a job in the tire factory and they allgrowed up in good health except for two who was still born. And except for Elmo and my nasty drunk daddy,I can’t really say I got too many complaints about my life because I was veryvery careful to never get mixed up with dangerous mean fruitcakes so nowI’m ripe as an apple what's already fallen from a tree, but a littlebored but don’t you be telling anyone that.
Maybe you’d like to corespond make a lonely old lady like mehappy because the kids and the grandkids don’t write or visit much becausetheir very busy and to tell the truth they try not to speak tome probably because I lost most of my hearing and had toget a hysterectemy, and then decided to go for a sex change, you know lifeis a bitch when your a woman. Anyways,I look forward to finding out where you live and what you do and whatever elseyou want to tell me.
from Harlequinine True E-Romances
The Tale of Betty & Bob
(This is the first and possibly last email in the B & B Series;subscription is required to access the entire Series. Subscribe atharlequinine.com.) from http://www.madhattersreview.com/issue10/columns.shtml#top
I read your profile at wetdreams.com and decided boy could I ever use a manlike you around the house. See I'm a violin maker here in the city, that's New York, the upper west side exacly but I don't want togive my address just yet. Anyways, I'm sure you can appreciate my line of work,being a handyman and all.
I figure you'll want to know all about me, my history and all that and whatI like to do. Well I was born in the countryside about 50 miles from Birmingham, Alabama, the fourth, middle kind of childof poor farmers (there was 8 of us when momma got through her productionyears). We all struggled to make do but we was thankful for what little we hadcause we believed in the Baby Jesus, as I'm sure you do as well. Anyways, I hadto quit high school and help momma out at the drugstore she took over from somerich distant relative who'd left us the store I don't know why but there itwas. Not that we made any money from it cause Momma knew nothing about orderingand we was always running out of stuff for some reason, always the stuff whathad to do with intestenal disorders and you know, people down there is alwayssick in the stomachs from eating all that fried junk.
Anyways, I had my first real boyfriend his name was Skip Henderson grew upto be some sort of shrink in Chicagowhen I was about 12 who taught me the ups and downs if you know what I mean.But daddy catched us at it and chased him with his rifle and locked me in theceller for a few weeks, and I felt kind of bad like I did something bad, so Istayed away from guys till I was out of there, I mean gone for good. Whichoccurred when I was 27 after my girlfriend Doris won a church raffel and me andher went to a concert in Birminghamand I met this French violin player Andre. And meanwhile before that I meanwhen I was 15 daddy got seen doing the nasty with the underaged daughter of hisbest friend who shot daddy to death so I had no more problems with him andmomma didn’t neither.
So me and Andre ended up living together in Newburgh, New York, had a fewkids cause he'd just look at me with those heavee lidded Frenchie eyes and saysheree fook me and vuala, I'd get preggers. Anyways, I think I had four of themkids when he contacted annaphillactical shock from a bee what flew in thewindow and up and died right then and there setting in his favorite chairwatching a baseball game can't remember which. But in the meantime, I got a bitof education and learnt how to make violins and I moved to the city with the kidscause there was steady work here for violin makers at the time.
So here I am now, the kids all growned and gone away excepting Marvin whoseslow but awefully sweet, and to be perfectly frank, I haven't met the kind ofman I'm attracted to in the city. There are a lot of queers and Jews andathists and Arabs and oriental people and every kind of crazy norotic sick maletype you could ever want to dream up. And they all drink too much (I'm ateatotaler) and smoke and swear and talk about the stock market and sex all thetime bore me silly.
So what do I like to do? Well I like church a lot, you know SouthernBaptist. I love baking cakes and pies and roasting ham on Sundays after churchand going to movies (like that Mel Gibson one about Jesus) and listening toShoebert and Patsy Cline and other country singers and blue grass of coursewith violins. And lots of other stuff you know, like hanging out at home on mycouch reading magazines (do you like Reader's Digest?) with my dog Scruffy halftimber wolf half chihaha. I hate politicks won't talk about it don't care none.But for that Sarah Palin, my type of good hearted woman with that mongol kid. Ireckon some folks don’t like her cause she believes in killing wolves from theair but they haven’t seen wolf heads, particlarly wolf pup heads stuck on woodplates in dens they look darling.
Anyways, got to get my morning coffee into me so I can get out of here andrun my errands and finish a violin. They've been drilling outside, making a lotof racket something awful for the last four years or so. I love a guy who livesout of the city to tell you the truth. So tell me all about yourself. By theway, I know you know what I look like, well until I gained a few poundsanyways, you know cold weather blubber but I don't know if that photo of you iscontemporary or not cause you look like maybe 20 and you say your over 40. Notthat it matters but I don't care for a guy with too many spare tires if youknow what I mean. But I don't really care.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon as the cows come home. Just a joke.