[A bit long for the group comments, so I'm moving this here.]

Don't think this has been mentioned on AN:

Comrade Dread expounds on the one true religion of Whoopee ("a rather silly name. But religions are rather silly things, so it fits") and its unapologetically nonexistent god Big Whoop:

The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 1

"...this religion doesn’t require you to believe in it... It doesn’t even require you to give up your bacon cheeseburgers...

...our religion’s and our deity’s one command for you... is this:

Don’t be an asshole."

The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 2

"...unlike all of the other deities out there, Big Whoop is honest enough to admit right up front that he does not, in fact, exist...."

The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 3

"...Big Whoop is very sex positive... and heartily approves of you animals bumping your naughty bits together in very creative ways..."

The Big Whoop Book: Chapter Four [sic]

"...Has Big Whoop ever appeared on Earth?
Yes. As a Mr. Tim Haverdashery of Cork County, Ireland. He spent a few decades herding sheep.

...Do you have any advice on how not to be an asshole at work?
Oh, yes. Let’s see..."

The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 5: Families

"Goodness knows why you irritating little monkeys choose to cluster together with other irritating little monkeys...

Let's start with parents.

Parents, listen to your children. Yes, yes, I know most of what they say is annoying and useless chatter... But I digress. Listening to your child... will hopefully allow you to build the sort of relationship where your child feels free to tell you anything...

Also, read to them.

Hug your children.

Tell them that you love them.

Teach them to be kind.

Teach them why they should be kind. Empathy...

Prayer is not medicine. Take your child to the doctor...

Children, listen to your parents. They’ve lived longer. They’ve fucked up... and hopefully they’ve learned from it, so if you listen to them you might avoid fucking up the same way.

Give them respect if they deserve it...

Cherish the time you have with them. They’ll be gone sooner than you imagine...

Husbands and wives, listen to your spouse... Turn the phone off...

Love your spouse. Hug them. Kiss them. Leave notes for them. Bring them flowers or candy or oral sex often. This applies to men and women... Send the kids to grandma’s, and when they come home from work, greet them naked...

You have precious little time on this ball of dirt. Cherish one another while you’re there. And above all, be kind."

(Ellipses added... or subtracted, rather.)

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Replies to This Discussion

Love the Big Whoop Book.  Wisdom up the wazoo.

Don't be an asshole.

Big Whoop's one tenet happens to be identical to "Atheism's One Commandment", which was revealed to me in this cartoon shared on AN a few years ago:

From High Atop Mount Stop & Shop, Atheism’s One Commandment: (man in blue work shirt standing in a supermarket’s produce section, holding two paper shopping bags [recalling Moses’s two tablets] emblazoned “Don’t Be An Asshole”)And as Hillel said in a similar context some two millennia ago, "All the rest is commentary. Go now and study it." In particular, Chapter 3 elaborates on sex and respect and consent in a way that we wish the Tanakh, Christian Bible, Qur'an, etc. did!

There is, of course, the "Not-Richard" denomination of Big Whoop, so called because of their variant on the primary commandment:


How do people named Richard feel about that denomination? (Probably worse for people named Christian, Christine, or Mohammed who end up rejecting better-known religions!)




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