Since the 'holy' bible never tells us what happened between Jesus's Childhood, to when he is 33, I have taken the liberty upon myself to write down the 'true' history. I present to you, The Missing Years of Jesus...
The Missing Years of Jesus
- Age 5 or 6: The Bible lifts off of Jesus.
- Age 7: Jesus joins the local baseball team, Yahweh’s Fighters. He was the famous hitter.
- Age 8: Jesus hits a baseball into the local bakery in a game of stickball. Had to work there all summer to pay off the window.
- Age 9: Jesus gets into a fight at school with a short Mexican with the same name as him. The Mexican kicked his ass.
- Age 10: Jesus found a strange plant while off with his friends. He and his friends decided to light it on fire and they were all strangely hungry afterwards.
- Age 11: Jesus went through a rough patch and gained 150 pounds.
- Age 12: Jesus got in a back street brawl and came home with a black eye.
- Age 13: Jesus grows to 6 feet and starts to shave.
- Age 14: Jesus loses the extra weight to impress a girl at school, who still didn’t go out with him.
- Age 15: Jesus meets a woman called ‘Sparkle’ and never forgets her.
- Age 16: Jesus ran away from home and joined a band called Smashing Crucifixes.
- Age 17: Jesus found that strange plant, learned that is was weed, and make a killing in Bethlehem.
- Age 18: Jesus met ‘Sparkle’ and they went steady.
- Age 19: Jesus become rebellious and starts a political party calling for independence.
- Age 20: Jesus is short on money and becomes a pimp.
- Age 21: Jesus celebrates his birthday by getting drunk.
- Age 22: Jesus got caught for pimping and was sent to jail. He learned not to drop the soap.
- Age 23: Jesus went to rehab for his drinking problem.
- Age 24: Jesus went back to jail and bailed out Paul.
- Age 25: Jesus, Simon Peter, James, John, Andrew, Philip, Thomas, Bartholomew, Matthew, James, Simon Zelotes, Judas, and Judas Iscariot join together and make a new band: The Apostles. They were the biggest hit of late night comedy shows.
- Age 26: Jesus writes “I Fought The Law and The Law Won”. It flops. Jesus is still pissed that it became famous 2,000 years later.
- Age 27: Jesus stops pimping and makes the women into groupies.
- Age 28: Jesus went to jail for sleeping with a girl who was 17.
- Age 29: Jesus and Judas get into a fist fight over ‘Sparkle’.
- Age 30: Jesus started to settle down with his crazy life.
- Age 31: ‘Sparkle’ was killed out of jealously by Judas. Jesus had a return to his drinking.
- Age 32: Jesus packs up with his band and moves back to his home town.
- Age 33: The Bible picks back up on Jesus.