Since the 'holy' bible never tells us what happened between Jesus's Childhood, to when he is 33, I have taken the liberty upon myself to write down the 'true' history. I present to you, The Missing Years of Jesus...


The Missing Years of Jesus

  • Age 5 or 6:  The Bible lifts off of Jesus.
  • Age 7:  Jesus joins the local baseball team, Yahweh’s Fighters.  He was the famous hitter.
  • Age 8:  Jesus hits a baseball into the local bakery in a game of stickball.  Had to work there all summer to pay off the window.
  • Age 9:  Jesus gets into a fight at school with a short Mexican with the same name as him.  The Mexican kicked his ass.
  • Age 10:  Jesus found a strange plant while off with his friends.  He and his friends decided to light it on fire and they were all strangely hungry afterwards.
  • Age 11:  Jesus went through a rough patch and gained 150 pounds.
  • Age 12:  Jesus got in a back street brawl and came home with a black eye.
  • Age 13:  Jesus grows to 6 feet and starts to shave.
  • Age 14:  Jesus loses the extra weight to impress a girl at school, who still didn’t go out with him.
  • Age 15:  Jesus meets a woman called ‘Sparkle’ and never forgets her.
  • Age 16:  Jesus ran away from home and joined a band called Smashing Crucifixes.
  • Age 17:  Jesus found that strange plant, learned that is was weed, and make a killing in Bethlehem.
  • Age 18:  Jesus met ‘Sparkle’ and they went steady.
  • Age 19:  Jesus become rebellious and starts a political party calling for independence.
  • Age 20:  Jesus is short on money and becomes a pimp.
  • Age 21:  Jesus celebrates his birthday by getting drunk.
  • Age 22:  Jesus got caught for pimping and was sent to jail.  He learned not to drop the soap.
  • Age 23:  Jesus went to rehab for his drinking problem.
  • Age 24:  Jesus went back to jail and bailed out Paul.
  • Age 25:  Jesus, Simon Peter, James, John, Andrew, Philip, Thomas, Bartholomew, Matthew, James, Simon Zelotes, Judas, and Judas Iscariot join together and make a new band:  The Apostles.  They were the biggest hit of late night comedy shows.
  • Age 26:  Jesus writes “I Fought The Law and The Law Won”.  It flops.  Jesus is still pissed that it became famous 2,000 years later.
  • Age 27:  Jesus stops pimping and makes the women into groupies.
  • Age 28:  Jesus went to jail for sleeping with a girl who was 17.
  • Age 29:  Jesus and Judas get into a fist fight over ‘Sparkle’.
  • Age 30:  Jesus started to settle down with his crazy life.
  • Age 31:  ‘Sparkle’ was killed out of jealously by Judas.  Jesus had a return to his drinking.
  • Age 32:  Jesus packs up with his band and moves back to his home town.
  • Age 33:  The Bible picks back up on Jesus.


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Replies to This Discussion

Regarding Age 7 - the name of his bat wasn't "Wonderboy," was it?!?
Lol. How did you know? xD
Too, too funny.  I've always wondered and now I KNOW!!!
I did my research.. fairly accurate
Jesus went to rehab!  Funny.  Was it 12 steps?  The early roots of AA...


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