Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Michael Pianko on June 28, 2010 at 11:00pm

In 1943 Abraham Maslow wrote a paper where he introduces his famous 'hierarchy of needs', and if you read the paper or something written about the hierarchy you will realize why most people need to have sex regularly and often in order to be content and well functioning. I would never except a girl with your attitudes and withholding behavior.

Permalink Reply by nick altman on July 3, 2010 at 2:38am

Solitaryman - You mean "accept", rather than except I'm guessing? You would not accept her for having issues with intimacy? Have you ever actually spent time with real human beings that had less than perfect mental health and personality? There seems to be a tone to your posts here that is almost, not vindictive, not defensive, I can't put my finger on it, but you seem to be a bit clumsy and harsh with this subject. Perhaps you fear rejection or have been rejected? You seem to have a very black and white view of women and relationships. You're condemning or lashing out at these girls in some sense it seems, and it's coming across as malicious. Making the leap to suggesting the poster earlier become a call girl for instance, what sort of passive aggressive angst brought that about?

Jezzy, do you have some sort of insecurity you are unable to reconcile with perhaps? Being horrified of intimacy often comes from intense insecurity, I had the same problems as a teenager. There was more to it than that, in many ways it was the expectation, the feeling of responsibility and duty almost, that I am supposed to be doing this thing with this other person, and I felt angry and defiant about it. I recall one day in school while I was supposed to walk my then girl friend to class as we did on a daily basis at this time, and always we would kiss before going our separate ways. I would begin to almost dread this point of the day for the simple fact it was a routine that was expected of me. I also did not have much chemistry with this girl at all, and I ended up actually telling her one day that I would not be walking her to class, to the shock of our friends at the cafeteria table. It was a bit of a disaster, and I ended up upsetting her in ways I did not intend.

It always seemed to happen like that when I was involved with girls who approached and pursued me, rather than the girls I would personally develop affection for and pursue.

You say you have no interest at all in physical intimacy, perhaps the chemistry has just not been there between you and your significant other? Once you feel affection for someone and become intimate, things often have a way of happening without your conscious effort, expectations and performance anxiety vanish while nature really does take over. Then again, there actually are people who just prefer to live a mostly asexual life. It really is a silly thing that gets far too much importance attributed to it, and it would be an interesting world if we never had this thing looming above our social interactions.

The fact that you truly feel no compulsion to pursue this sort of thing should not be counted against you, and shame on Solitaryman for implying you are not to be accepted for it.

Permalink Reply by Michael Pianko on July 5, 2010 at 10:04pm

If a girl really likes me, then there is no such thing as an intimacy problem. It is beyond me why I would ever accept a girl who does not like me.

Permalink Reply by Jezzy on July 7, 2010 at 2:39pm

It always seemed to happen like that when I was involved with girls who approached and pursued me, rather than the girls I would personally develop affection for and pursue.

I think this is exactly my problem, actually. I feel threatened in relationships I'm not into. Sometimes they can't "just be friends" and I don't want anything more from the guy. I want to have very close relationships with men, just not romantic/sexual ones.

I don't like going fast. I try to be nice and just say I'm uncomfortable about where our relationship is going, and back them off a little but it doesn't work for long. So I feel more and more trapped, not interested, and feeling like they don't actually care that I'm not interested. It seems that unless I completely shut them out, they will continue to pursue me. It's as if there is no "just-friends" switch after they've made a move. I'm trying to learn to say no better, because apparently subtleties and open communication do not always work. I'm not aiming to hurt anyone, which is why I have to be smarter about this. Apparently I don't know how to talk to a partner.

I love my guy friends. I hate when they shit things up and make my life more difficult than it needs to me. I don't really know what love feels like, and I don't know why it comes so easily to them.

Also, I've never even kissed a boy. I've never masturbated. I have positive regard for most people, but romantic affection is a little hard for me. So all this compounded? The urge isn't that strong. I think that would easily change in a good relationship. It's just that things are really hard and kinda scary when you don't feel that way, but you want to keep them in your life.

And them telling me I'm a freak of nature probably isn't helpful, either. :P

Permalink Reply by Michael Pianko on July 7, 2010 at 3:40pm

Jezzy - It seems like many religious people and those who have socially conservative attitudes and people who are polite company are grossed out by this or can't stand to hear it, but it is the truth: sex is one of the most important things in life and most people will not be content and well functioning without it. Don't fool or disappoint yourself or others and don't cause turmoil. When you talk to a man for the first time, within the first few minutes of the conversation, if you are incredible sure that you will never be romantic, than mention that you are asexual and that you probably cannot or will not ever make love/be romantic. Otherwise just be confident, plunge right into making love and then you will get it over with and see whether it really was as bad as you think it will be.

I would like to think that in order for me and a girl to have a good relationship, we must have the fullest, most complete sex possible, although I have never been in any kind or relationship and have never been on any kind of date. By default, assume most men share my attitude (unless they are religious or too prudish or have some other mental disorder).

Permalink Reply by Jezzy on July 7, 2010 at 5:48pm

They still hit on me, and/or use my "asexual" nature against me to guilt me. I think the majority of women would do fine without sex.

Permalink Reply by Michael Pianko on July 7, 2010 at 11:07pm

"the majority of women would do fine without sex"!!?? That is just mean and terrible! How am I ever going to meet a girl who is not asexual?

Permalink Reply by Jezzy on July 8, 2010 at 9:51am

Most of us aren't. I'm not saying they don't want it, or that it even wouldn't improve their quality of life. But it's not the same as food, water, and oxygen by a long ways.

Anywho, I'm not trying to date you, so I wouldn't worry.

Permalink Reply by Michael Pianko on July 9, 2010 at 11:47am

It seems that most women have your attitudes. I would guess that most women want to be thought of as someone worth a lot more than just someone to have sex with. There is certainly reason for me to worry; I have never even done any non-sexual activities like bowling or anything with a girl.

Permalink Reply by Jo Jerome on July 16, 2010 at 1:43pm

I think I see where Jezzy is coming from here. ("Think." Reading and empathizing with people - really not my strong suit. But I'll give it a go).

There's no reason to believe that women in general don't crave sex like men do. But a little biology and a whole lot of social norms have us craving in different ways and not always comfortable expressing it. A guy thinks about sex all the time, he's 'just a guy.' A woman does and she's a slut.

Add in the pressures of being young and not having had those sexual experiences yet and it can be very scary.

Add to that if you really don't 'crave' sex the way most of the species does and I can see where you'd end up feeling even more alienated from the whole subject.

I too often have a lot of male friends and when one starts hitting on me when I'm not interested, it can get extremely weird and uncomfortable. Not that I would discourage anyone from making a pass at a friend. I think ideal romantic relationships should start out as friendships. But once it's established that the other person isn't interested, let it go. I have one friendship that nearly ended because every other sentence I uttered he turned back around on me as sexual jokes/innuendo. Once in a while can be funny. Relentless, non-stop is frustrating and yes, can make us feel trapped and really turned off.

Anyway, all that to say Jezzy; I hope things work out for you. I've always agreed with Dear Abby that the brain is the primary sex organ. If that "it," that comfort level, isn't there, then it just isn't there and it can't be forced.

Permalink Reply by Earther on July 8, 2010 at 9:56pm

Do you think you are monogomous?

Permalink Reply by Michael Pianko on July 16, 2010 at 7:55pm

I am actually 27 years old and have never been in any kind of relationship and have never been on any kind of date in my life. The replies to my comments here and probably many other situations make it seem that I am just screwed and will never meet anyone; I don't want a women who is just a (platonic) friend.

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