I never had an inkling that Brooks had such a wicked sense of humor. 
August 27, 2012

The Real Romney

The purpose of the Republican convention is to introduce America to the real Mitt Romney. Fortunately, I have spent hours researching this subject. I can provide you with the definitive biography and a unique look into the Byronic soul of the Republican nominee:
Mitt Romney was born on March 12, 1947, in Ohio, Florida, Michigan, Virginia and several other swing states. He emerged, hair first, believing in America, and especially its national parks. He was given the name Mitt, after the Roman god of mutual funds, and launched into the world with the lofty expectation that he would someday become the Arrow shirt man.
Romney was a precocious and gifted child. He uttered his first words (“I like to fire people”) at age 14 months, made his first gaffe at 15 months and purchased his first nursery school at 24 months. The school, highly leveraged, went under, but Romney made 24 million Jujubes on the deal.
Mitt grew up in a modest family. His father had an auto body shop called the American Motors Corporation, and his mother owned a small piece of land, Brazil. He had several boyhood friends, many of whom owned Nascar franchises, and excelled at school, where his fourth-grade project, “Inspiring Actuaries I Have Known,” was widely admired.
The Romneys had a special family tradition. The most cherished member got to spend road trips on the roof of the car. Mitt spent many happy hours up there, applying face lotion to combat windburn.
The teenage years were more turbulent. He was sent to a private school, where he was saddened to find there are people in America who summer where they winter. He developed a lifelong concern for the second homeless, and organized bake sales with proceeds going to the moderately rich.
Some people say he retreated into himself during these years. He had a pet rock, which ran away from home because it was starved of affection. He bought a mood ring, but it remained permanently transparent. His ability to turn wine into water detracted from his popularity at parties.
There was, frankly, a period of wandering. After hearing Lou Reed’s “Walk on the Wild Side,” Romney decided to leave Mormonism and become Amish. He left the Amish faith because of its ban on hair product, and bounced around before settling back in college. There, he majored in music, rendering Mozart’s entire oeuvre in PowerPoint.
His love affair with Ann Davies, the most impressive part of his life, restored his equilibrium. Always respectful, Mitt and Ann decided to elope with their parents. They went on a trip to Israel, where they tried and failed to introduce the concept of reticence. Romney also went on a mission to France. He spent two years knocking on doors, failing to win a single convert. This was a feat he would replicate during his 2008 presidential bid.
After his mission, he attended Harvard, studying business, law, classics and philosophy, though intellectually his first love was always tax avoidance. After Harvard, he took his jawline to Bain Consulting, a firm with very smart people with excessive personal hygiene. While at Bain, he helped rescue many outstanding companies, like Pan Am, Eastern Airlines, Atari and DeLorean.
Romney was extremely detail oriented in his business life. He once canceled a corporate retreat at which Abba had been hired to play, saying he found the band’s music “too angry.”
Romney is also a passionately devoted family man. After streamlining his wife’s pregnancies down to six months each, Mitt helped Ann raise five perfect sons — Bip, Chip, Rip, Skip and Dip — who married identically tanned wives. Some have said that Romney’s lifestyle is overly privileged, pointing to the fact that he has an elevator for his cars in the garage of his San Diego home. This is not entirely fair. Romney owns many homes without garage elevators and the cars have to take the stairs.
After a successful stint at Bain, Romney was lured away to run the Winter Olympics, the second most Caucasian institution on earth, after the G.O.P. He then decided to run for governor of Massachusetts. His campaign slogan, “Vote Romney: More Impressive Than You’ll Ever Be,” was not a hit, but Romney won the race anyway on an environmental platform, promising to make the state safe for steeplechase.
After his governorship, Romney suffered through a midlife crisis, during which he became a social conservative. This prepared the way for his presidential run. He barely won the 2012 Republican primaries after a grueling nine-month campaign, running unopposed. At the convention, where his Secret Service nickname is Mannequin, Romney will talk about his real-life record: successful business leader, superb family man, effective governor, devoted community leader and prudent decision-maker. If elected, he promises to bring all Americans together and make them feel inferior.

Views: 326

Replies to This Discussion

That was funny -thanks for posting!

I read that in the paper and think it's funny and odd that it came from David Brooks.

That seems to be the consensus among the 20 or so friends I e-mailed the story to.

I sorta wish he had mentioned something about the posthumous baptism of his atheist father-in-law, but that wouldn't have been as funny as the line about the cars in his non-San Diego houses having to take the stars.  Or his Secret Service name.  (I had picked "Robot" months ago.)


Funny pics!

Quite a laugh. It was hard to pick a favorite line, but this got me

Some have said that Romney’s lifestyle is overly privileged, pointing to the fact that he has an elevator for his cars in the garage of his San Diego home. This is not entirely fair. Romney owns many homes without garage elevators and the cars have to take the stairs.


That is a good one!

Yeah...that one had me snorting and giggling, too.  Makes for a wonderful mental image (I'd like to see somebody do an animated clip of cars struggling and bitching their way up a staircase.)

Does anyone else suppose that R-Money is keeping his older tax returns so close to his vest because he doesn't want the LDS Crutch Elders to find out that he's been cheating them of the full 10% tithe on his income before taxes?  That is the way it's supposed to work, and he is, or was a Bishop.  Only members who pay full tithes (and wear magic underwear) are allowed inside their temples.


Interesting conjecture. I didn't know he was a Bishop.

I should have said "former bishop."  It doesn't seem as important in the LDS Crutch as it is in the Catholic Corporation.

From Wikipedia: Active in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, he served as bishop of his ward and later stake president in his home area near Boston.


Stakes may be compared to dioceses in other Christian denominations.[2] However, the more apt, if less familiar, comparable unit in hierarchical churches such as the Catholic Church would be a deanery, which, like an LDS stake often comprises ten to twenty parishes. LDS stakes generally have fewer than 5000 members, and Catholic dioceses average 250,000, but at times have over one million members

Stake president is a higher office.  ALL Mormon men who are in good standing are priests, but there are different levels.  It gets very complicated.


ROFL. Thanks so much for the great belly laughs this post gave me.

My pleasure!  The only "magic" healing I believe in is laughter.  I also believe it's a powerful weapon against despotism and other forms of mind control.




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