Does anyone else struggle with this? Logically I KNOW that such thoughts are just plain wrong, but I'm 33 years old- I was raised in a Christian home and that fear of hell kept me going back to religion time and again so I'd feel better and be 'at one with god' and all that B.S.
My parents were abused when they were children, my mother and her sisters were made to feel ashamed of being female. My mom constantly gave me messages (vocal or not) about how I should be ashamed of my body, of bodily functions, etc. She really taught me to be afraid of everything, and I'm just realizing that I still am. I've been an atheist for about 2 years now, and really what caused me to face the fact that I just don't believe any of that crap was my daughter coming to me and telling me she doesn't really believe any of it.
My mother didn't want me to feel any disappointment, so she always prepared me for rejection and basically always told me that although she thought I was beautiful and smart and perfect, that no one else ever would so I should just accept that fact and not expect people to like me or think good things about me.
She was pretty isolated during her childhood, she had 9 siblings and all but the oldest lived on top of a hill with their parents and no close neighbors. They were poor, didn't have shoes in the summer, etc. Their parents were alcoholics who were mentally ill. When you add that type of childhood situation with the religious teachings that women are worthless- that giving birth to a girl is more 'unclean' than giving birth to a boy, etc., that really causes a person to feel completely worthless.
As an adult, she has always put her parents and siblings first- she still does this- she's the one who drives her dad to all his dr. appointments, to get a haircut, to the bank, to go shopping, etc. It's really sad, her sister still lives at home with their dad- she NEVER moved out- she's basically lived there as a slave her whole life because doing slave labor is what makes her 'worthy' of their affection and the money it takes to take care of her. She's never been to a doctor since she was a kid- she's in her fifties now.
This is so fucking depressing.
Anyway, even though I don't believe in god or hell any more I still find myself waiting for something 'bad' to happen as a result of my choices. Like karma or something. I know logically it's wrong, but it's just something embedded in my brain that I haven't been able to shake. I realize this now, and they say realizing you have a problem is the first step toward recovery.
How do you get over this crap though? As an adult, I still don't trust that people can/will like me. This is too painful, it's affecting me life in a huge way and I need to start getting over this.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for any input.