I've been trying to understand where exactly I am sexually for a few months now and it's been surprisingly harder than I expected.

This started when I was in a quasi-relationship with a lesbian. Obviously nothing was going to happen in bed but it was clear to both of us that there was something special between us. As such, our romantic friendship endures.

This, however, brought up a new oddity. I knew that I didn't care that I would never bed her -- and soon it mildly apparent that I didn't care if I never bedded anybody ever. That I had never thought about it before suggested that I didn't care back then either.

I had never felt a real compulsion to date anyone, when I did so it was usually after someone had pursued me. Even then it felt awkward being so close to someone. That I'm emotionally close to someone now may be more accident than any change in me.

Some of my friends talk about sexual frustration in the sense that they haven't had any in a while -- a while being measured in days or weeks, looking for flings to 'get it out of the system.' Some of my friends talk about how they want to try different things with different people. They talk about sexual urges and compulsions -- I simply have no idea what any of that means. I don't have a frame of reference. I don't know what it feels like to be biologically compelled to do things beyond eating and drinking.

I'm told that I "look like [I] would know what [I'm] doing." Which is ironic considering that I've never done it and should the opportunity arise I would only have the roughest idea of what actually goes on. I imagine something with pulleys and levers and such.

If I never had sex before I died I wouldn't feel that I had missed anything.

Now, just some things about asexuality before anyone else says anything else.

Firstly, it's not that asexuals are averse or offended by sex, asexuals simply aren't sexually attracted to anyone. Imagine seeing everyone as some degree of relative. Intimacy is possible but is exclusively emotional. Physical attraction is mild at best.

Secondly, some asexuals do have sex but have no physical desire for it.

Thirdly, being asexual doesn't mean an aversion to relationships. Emotionally romantic relationships may still be desired by asexuals.

Fourthly, there are degrees of emotional attraction within the set of asexuals similar to the Kinsey model but with respect to emotional attraction versus sexual attraction.

Hopefully this is a new area of discussion for the group and I hope it sparks some interest.

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Replies to This Discussion

I've read a little about asexuality before, thanks for the first-hand info! I wish you a good life and hope you find what you're looking for.
Hopefully your post will be educational for at least a few people. Asexuals often have a hard time because people can't accept that there is a spectrum of what is natural, rather than a binary.
I don't know what that would be like as a permanent state of being.

Imagine a sibling or cousin or friend who you love and is very close to you. It's something like that.

I enjoy their company. I enjoy hugging and kissing because it's emotionally pleasing, anything beyond that would feel either inappropriate or superfluous.
Very interesting topic. Pulleys and levers is hilarious. The idea of being asexual is hard for me to grasp, because I don't like going a month without sex, which causes me to occasionally resort to scrolling through my cell to pick from a handful of non-relationship worthy girls who I know are ripe for the picking.
How do your partners react to your asexuality? I'm guessing the topic has come up before.
Most of my partners came before I figured out that I was likely an asexual. If we didn't break up because of moving or distance, we broke up because I was physically cold. My guess is that there were hints dropped that they wanted sex that I simply didn't pick up on.

The only one who I actually talked to about this is my most recent relationship with the lesbian written above. In passing she said that she was hard up for sex and I asked what that felt like. Her look of incredulity told me there was probably something off with me. Talking to her sister confirmed that.

They're both sexually liberal so it was a very pleasant exploratory conversation that helped me better understand that I am asexual.
It's a great topic. There are actually quite a few famous people who died virgins or who lived in abstinence for a long period of time.

Supposed lifelong virgins include Sir Isaac Newton, Immanuel Kant, John Ruskin, and believe it or not, sexologist Havelock Ellis. George Bernard Shaw spent 15 years abstinent after being seduced by an elderly woman.

Here are a few more: http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2005/08/famous_virgins_1.html

Don't be dictated to by the dissonant nonsense spewed out by this culture that everyone is sexual. Sexuality is not even a spectrum. It is more like a cup of salt (or sugar) spilled on the floor. Whether we admit it or not, people lie just about everywhere, not in neat little stacks.
I have heard that Da Vinci was also celibate for most, if not all, of his life.
Morrissey has identified as asexual, too!
Exactly. I don't understand the compulsion to put things into neat little stacks that simply don't stack well.
This is quite interesting, indeed. I've met a few people who identified as asexual in the past but never really got into discussing their orientation with them, either because I wasn't sure of their comfort level or because the situation didn't warrant a decent time/place to have such a discussion.

I would like to hear from more with similar experiences as, from the perspective of a naturally curious anthropology nut, this topic fascinates me. I, too, go through periods where sexual desire is lost on me, but the periods don't last more than a month or two before I am ready for intercourse. And usually, when I am ready, I have compulsions for a lot of intercourse.

My own experience seems to come back completely to my state of mind - my body can show signs of arousal even when mentally, I am not in the mood, etc.

As I get older, it seems that my attractions have changed and I am less sexually attracted to women I meet and more intellectually, socially, or emotionally attracted to them, at least, initially.
If you have any questions feel free. I'm a no taboo kind of person.
Another odd consequence of this is my apparent gender neutrality.

One of my friends is a feminist who, before I figured out I am asexual, told me that I'm the only man she knows who clearly isn't a misogynist. I'm the only person with my particular set of genitals who really doesn't see men and women as different.

I had always taken that as given and I suppose it may have come from my being asexual.



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