Lord Adrian Crapsquire
of the Universe
The first thing that needs to be dealt with is an explanation of my title; After many years of observing multifarious religions the one and only thing that I have learned from them , and possibly the only thing that they all have in common, is the notion of faith. Faith is the idea that belief need not be based in any way on -- and in fact is hampered by -- a reliance on evidence, after all if one requires evidence then it’s not really faith, is it. Furthermore having faith in something can lead one to knowledge of something: “God exists because the Bible (the Qur’an, the Torah, the Holy Piby, Kitáb-i-Aqdas, The Bhagavad Gita, A Course in Miracles, place your holy book here) says he does and the bible is the word of God. I know that I can’t prove this but I have faith and because of that faith I know that God exists.” Well any first year philosophy student has learned that you can’t have knowledge of something unless it is in fact true. If I were to say that I knew it was raining in Toronto right now and it wasn’t, then I clearly do not have knowledge of that but simply a mistaken belief. For it to be knowledge then one of the necessary conditions must be that it is in fact raining in Toronto right now.
So far this is what I have learned from religion:
1. Faith is belief that does not require evidence and in fact works best without any (some might add works best when contrary to the evidence).
2. From faith one can derive knowledge. (see paragraph above)
3. To have knowledge of something it is necessary that that something be true (ok this wasn’t actually from religious teaching but from my logic professor Ian Hacking at the University of Toronto – but we all know that if you can say that “any first year philosophy student knows this” then it must be true. And a small point-- I’m sure he said Chicago not Toronto but any first year geography student knows that Toronto is the centre of the Universe).
4. Thus, having faith in something can actually make it true.
5. I’m sure I don’t have to spell this one out to you: Anything goes.
6. Ergo, Lord Adrian Crapsquire (that would be me) is in fact Commander of the Universe.
I considered, with this newly found power of mine, making myself God; however, upon reflection I decided that since I am an atheist this might cause unnecessary cognitive dissonance. Not believing in oneself creates more difficulties than I need right now – after all I still haven’t cleaned up the house and instead I’m wasting my time creating a new religion. And, being a person…or god…or Commander that is already emotionally unstable (really, who isn’t) the last thing I need is emotional discord. I’m not certain why but I think that religious leaders – priests, prophets, gods etc., have to be emotionally unstable.
I know what you’re thinking. I am, after all, Commander of the Universe. “How can an atheist be religious?” Well, I hear this kind of crap on the TV all the time (“atheism is just another religion, it’s just another faith”) so it must be true; why fight them?
So about now I think we should deal with the Commandments:
1. Faith was good, it worked for me but after commandment number three I’m going to revoke its power. Now that I’ve established myself as Commander there’s really no need for it any more.
2. Thou shalt not (alright sounds a little familiar but really, what religion do you know of that doesn’t steal from its neighbour) …hmmm, oh ok, thou shalt not…honestly I’m still thinking about this one, I’d rather not rush it.
3. If I say it’s so, it’s so. And furthermore all sentient beings in this universe will abide by what I command.
4. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in its mother’s milk. Odd sounding, I know, but I got that one out of the Bible and it seemed to work for them. I’m not sure to what purpose it holds but it comes from the only one actually called the Ten Commandments; it sounds like they’re cooking a baby goat. Really now, what could be more important than proper dining etiquette.
5. Try anything once -- except incest or folk dancing.
6. Smite liberally.
7. Do not attempt this (establishing yourself as Commander of the Universe) at home.
8. If thou findeth one confrontedeth by a stranger on a forkedeth road speaketh with many eths. This will bewilder them and make them think you are insane; they will leave you alone.
9. If you come by a stranger on a straight road pass to the right (the Brits are wrong – so spaketh the Commander).
10. Do not be swayed by the “New Atheists” any more than you are swayed by the “old atheists”. Since Darwin the argument is complete.
11. Atheism is not a religion or faith. I had to add this one. Due to my mother's use of un-recommended pharmaceuticals during pregnancy I have eleven fingers.
And at 5:57 a.m. (Eastern Standard Time) Lord Crapsquire needed to rest.