Every time I promise myself that I will work on controlling my temper, I always end up making a scene. This time, it wasn’t my fault. All I wanted was a bagel. A bagel, a cup of coffee, and perhaps a spot near a window where I could idly watch the traffic go by as I browsed through the newspaper and licked cream cheese from my fingers. But apparently the Gods were not on my side. Today I got in line behind a middle aged woman in a fur coat who was barking orders at the poor bagel girl like [...]
When I was in elementary school, I was a bit of a tom boy. I spent every recess ignoring the gaggle of girls gathered by the monkey bars in favor of a sweaty game of soccer with the boys. To me, boys were superior because boys were simple and easy to understand. To win the respect of a boy, you simply had to run just as fast, throw just as far, and punch just as hard as they did. With girls, it was a different story. Girl World is full of subtle manipulations, vague power struggles, and intense mental warfare. [...]
I’m standing in the middle of my cheap, already furnished, efficiency apartment that sits on a busy street just a few miles from the ocean. There’s a cop standing in front of me. He’s got broad shoulders, dark hair and a face that looks like it’s made of play-doh. Tears are streaming down my face, my cheeks are red and swollen, and snot is dripping from my nostrils…I have never been a pretty crier. My knees are shaking like those of a newborn colt. My eyes dart around the room, nervously flitting back and forth from door to the window. [...]
Anyone who suggests that I absolve people of personal responsibility in losing weight hasn’t been reading my site long enough. Look, I know it’s possible to lose weight without a lot of money. I know you could theoretically live on whole grain rice and bean sprouts that you grew in your garden on the weekends after spending your work week walking in the door at 6pm and preparing an entire meal from scratch after which you’ll walk around the block one hundred times to avoid the cost of expensive running shoes only to come back home to prepare your lunch for [...]
When I was in college, Erica Lynn was one of my best girlfriends. Erica Lynn was a fun girl and we often went bar hopping together. Sometimes, when she got sloppy drunk, she’d lose control of her bladder and pee her pants. Because she was so hilarious and outgoing, everyone ignored this little aspect of her personality. My friends and I figured if she kept it up after we graduated, we’d have an intervention or something. But as for right now, we were in college. When else are you supposed to get sloppy drunk to the point where you pee [...]
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