I think it's my third day at Pandora's aqaurium, and I've worked up to 10 entries so far. There is a girl on there who is a big nerd like me, so we talk once in a while. I think she's beautiful.
That being said, there is a folder in the forum called "My Story" or something like that. I wrote my story, but to "keep myself sane" I said as much as I could. I don't feel depressed, just very raw. Like if I had an infection and it was JUST getting the help it needs. It hurts like hell, but it will keep me alive. Dealing with the self-loathing is going to be hard because I was taught that me <god. So to get out of that mindset, I really think that I need a brain transplant. Why isn't there a camp for ex fundies?? I'd really like to go. Maybe cry my eyes out a bit, lol.
It seems like that is what I'm doing a lot of now. Crying. I know people will say it's normal, but honestly, I have to work against the conditioning I was brought up with. Crying was thought of as a sign of weakness or manipulation. which sucked because crying was the only way I could show anger.
I watched Fullmetal Alchemist and heard the quote " God is the invention of people who have nowhere to go". How true it is! At this moment, feeling like I have nowhere to go(but either down or what have you), the stuff from church pulls at me. Seduces me. Tells me how it would be "all right" if I just "gave it to Jesus". But the truth is, I'm tired. I don't hate christians but oh how do I hate american christianity. And I hated what I became when I followed that.
I just hate feeling so fucking emotionally fragile. I want to be strong. I want to be awesome.