Title says it all. I posted before on my sexual life story... I wish I could say that things have improved since then.
I don't think, when I wrote my first post, that I had experienced my first kiss. But I have now. And saw my first naked man in the same week. Kissing was cute, but not very sexual. Because I never feel truly sexual. The second guy I kissed, and likely my first time really "making out" is not a particularly good memory. I think the guy really is nice, but he came on way too strong after that (a friend described him as "demonic") and I didn't have feelings for him. Plus he wouldn't let me drive myself or pay for my own meals...
So, at that point I just thought kissing was gross.
The good news is, a few weeks ago I made out and actually enjoyed it. I felt excited and bubbly and it was nice. So there's that.
But in general, getting close to guys makes me feel so trapped. Usually it does happen too fast, and even though I like the guy, I cannot seem to muster up the appropriate feelings. They're just not there. My estrogen is pretty low, around 36. It's high enough that most doctors are dismissive, but it's lower than the ideal range for menopausal women. And I'm 19 years old. I've also been diagnosed with PCOS. I have irregular periods and my breasts are very small for my size.
As far as masturbating I tend to do it every day for a few days and then go weeks without it. And it never gets better. I do find that the most efficient way to go about it is porn and a vibrator, both. Without them it'll take like... hours. My orgasms are so disappointing that for months, after I came, I would immediate google sexual dysfunction issues looking for help. Know what I learned, with all of my research and advice?
1. People don't seem to care about women's sexuality. (Although huge amounts of women suffer from low desire, most help seems directed towards men.)
2. Far too many men are convinced that they are sex gods and could cure your problems if you had sex with them.
3. People have different sexualities, so I should apparently just give up and be happy even though my dysfunction is making me miserable-- and it is NOT normal.
4. It's all "in my head". Bullshit. I've done everything I can, mentally. There is more to this than just relaxing, or any of that hooey.
5. So few women have my exact problem, or admit to it, that there seem to be no answers at all. And I've never seen a woman resolve it. She usually gets the "it's all in your head" or "everyone is different" copout.
The best way I have found to describe what orgasm feels like for me, is that feeling you get in your body just before you sneeze. Put that in the genitals, and there you go. It lasts about a second, and the slight pulsing continues... but nearly all of the pleasure is gone.
I'm hoping that treating PCOS will help, but I didn't respond well to the MetFormin and got sick, so now I'm going on ChromeMate, which will regulate my blood sugars... and I GUESS that's supposed to help my hormones balance themselves? But as far as I can tell, even women with low desire have normal orgasms if they can achieve them. If I do it right, it's not so hard for me to orgasm. It just doesn't give me much pleasure. And that sucks, because if I ever do lose my virginity, I don't want to tell my partner that it wasn't any good for me. I know that my first time won't be magical, and that's silly. But I kind of don't want it to suck, either. I don't want to be laying there in bed with him feeling like I'm broken. I'd like to get a handle on my own sexuality before I give it to someone else. People seem to think I'm silly for this, though. And silly because I'm not happy enough with my body to have sex right now.
A lot of times after I masturbate I'll think to myself, "I shouldn't even bother with that anymore". It seems so pointless to even try. But I know I always will, for whatever reason.
Basically my only hope is that treating my health problems resolves this issue.