4 AM comes again I lie here in bed and look out the window. I stare at the brightest star I can see like I do most nights. I often avoid sleep to avoid dreaming but not sleeping is even worse for me. Being awake I guide my own thoughts is more of a pain than any dream I could have.
I reflect on long talks that never happened. On events that could be and every outcome there could be to them. I reflect on events in my life and what I should have done, what I could have done to make things come out how I wished they would. This always leads to the same place. How I feel about myself.
As bad as many thoughts I have are at this time of night in the way that I feel about myself they have improved a little bit. It is not much of a change but any change is good really. Even with the positive change I still feel drained and stressed out after hours of my mind going over everything. My last thoughts are always the same though. What I hope will be, they are good thoughts. Being in a better place where money is not as big an issue as it is and happiness doesn’t seem like something only others have. The last thought though is always of remembering what not being alone felt like.
I have no idea what tomorrow is going to be like let alone anything farther on. But hope is there. If it is not then you may as well just give up.