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More on my dad's death.

I'm about 4 1/2 sheets to the wind tonight as I have just had about half of a bottle of dark rum to myself, plus one glass of Crown & Coke, so forgive me if this is rambly and somewhat incoherent...

My family, and father, are/were Catholic. Tonight the priest friend of my family came into town. (no, he's not a pedophile, though we give him shit all the time about it).

I posted on another forum that I'm on, that this is one time I'm actually somewhat jealous of my brother and his beliefs... I wish I had someone to blame for this. Some god to be mad at for "taking" my father away from me and my kids... but I don't. I don't get that luxury. My brother told me that when he dies he's "going to kick God in the balls for this." and all I could do was silently wish that I had someone to blame like he thinks he does. I can't get mad at the universe. I can't get mad at life for the fact that it inevitably ends in death. All I can do is miss my dad and fruitlessly wish I had a few more years with him, and that he had a few more years with my kids.

My grandfather died when I was 5 years old... My son is 5... I wish he could have known his grandfather better. My girls will never really know their grandfather, All of my kids will only have vague memories, pictures, and stories from other people about how great their grandfather really was. I think that breaks my heart almost more than losing my father does.

He was a great man. He worked a crappy job for 25+ years just so his family could have a stable home. He loved his wife for 30+ years, and stuck by her even when she herself was on the brink of death last year in July. He taught me about love, life, cars, tools, fishing and camping, and so many other things. He played guitar by ear and was truly humble about his ability to play beautiful music. He was a foster father to over 300 children over the course of 20 years, and always treated every child like part of his own family. I cannot have hoped for a better role model or father in my life.

On the funny side, I definitely got my irreverence from my dad. We were scheduled to head up North for a vacation starting today. My mom and dad were going to spend the first night in their trailer at the priest's house... The priest just confided in me tonight that my father, upon asking him if it was okay to park their trailer at his house, made him three promises... The first two, he couldn't remember, but he said the third he will never forget. My dad, for his third promise to the priest, apparently, promised that he "wouldn't cum in his mouth"!!! LOL! Yeah. My dad may have been Catholic, but he was one hell of an irreverent one!

Anyway, for those who are interested, it seems he died of some kind of heart attack, and probably was dead before he hit the ground. The EMTs hit him 5 times with the defibrulator, but to no avail. They tried adrenaline, etc, but he was gone before he ever even got to the ER.

My own grandfather died of a heart attack, but it was 10 years after a triple by-pass and that was back in the 1980's! My dad was seeing a cardiologist and doing everything he was told to do to try and stay healthy and not have something like this happen. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, except that if you've read this far you should go and hug whoever is most precious to you and let them know how much you love them, because you don't know how much time you'll have with them, and this is the only chance you've got. Make it count.

If you read this far, you deserve a cookie (and not the crappy computer kind). I think I'm going to either go pass out or throw up now. Thanks for reading. Peace.

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Comment by AgeOfAtheists14 on May 20, 2011 at 8:50pm: had a good wake did ya? it's what he would have wanted; I'm guessing; don't know you...

Comment by Sicile on December 26, 2010 at 11:06pm: I know this is an old post - I just requested you as a friend, so I am just now seeing it. I think the whole death thing is what is the hardest about being an atheist. Other people (religious) can't possibly understand how difficult dealing with death is for us. Hope you have made it through the holidays without too much pain. Peace to you brother.

Comment by Tak G. on August 5, 2010 at 3:35am: I'm sorry about your dad. He sounds like an awesome guy. You sound like an awesome guy too. Take care of yourself. :)

Comment by Roy The Infidel on August 2, 2010 at 4:16am: My deepest sympathy.

Reading your post reminded me of my old man. He was a catholic and he touched many lives in his simple and humble ways (so was my mother) but he never went to church. Not once. I lost him in 2005 and my mom in 2008.

Words are never adequate in this time of grief. Your father was a great man, indeed.

Comment by D R Hosie on August 2, 2010 at 3:23am: Wow, I'm totally undone with what you're saying. My old man died of lung cancer, in a hospital, at 53.

I often thought it would've been kinder if he'd been hit by a train . . . car wreck . . . heart attack . . . whatever - he had way too much time to think about it, and do the ole 'Why me, (god)?'

I tried to point out that little love letter from the tobacco company, on the side of the cigarette pack, - BUT HE WASN'T BUYING IT ! Instead, he, the ghost of his mom, and his mom's god, were locked in mortal combat over misdeeds - real and imagined - for the last 3 months of his life.

I had no idea, and was both amazed and appalled, that he had never settled these 'religious issues' beforehand, or came to terms with his own mortality. The memory of how he died, still clouds the better memories of how he lived.

And I still can't help but reflect on how much the world has changed, and how many grand babies, and great-grand babies have missed the chance to ever know him. Or deny the horrible 'empty pain' I felt at his loss.

There's no magic cure for that ache - it's going to take lots of time. And then you're going to pick up at least part of the role that he laid down, as keeper of the flame, and move on - taking his memory with you.

Comment by Grace Fitzpatrick on August 2, 2010 at 1:41am: My deepest sympathy for your loss. My father died suddenly and unexpectedly on July 10. People of faith have a lot of comfort at first, but I think it becomes hollow later on. For me, the full impact hit me in the face when I heard the words, "your father has died." This is the hard part. It will get easier with time. At least, that's what I tell myself.

Comment by Renshia on August 2, 2010 at 1:07am: My condolences on losing your father.
As much as it hurts, it is a great thing to have a father you will miss for the great contributions he made in your life. My father passed away three years ago, if I could have fit in into the schedule I would have pissed on his grave. I am not sure which hurts more, but I am happy for you that you have great memories to cherish.