"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."
Woody Allen

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."
Fulton Sheen.

"In the beginning there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it."
Dave Thomas.

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?"
George Deacon.

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
Emo Philips

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
Peter O'Toole.

"God is love, but get it in writing."
Gypsy Rose Lee.


Failing Math
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enrol their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behaviour continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.

The boy shook his head and said "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"


Philosophy Anyone?
A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"

The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.



One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."



Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control.



It has been discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats



Schroedinger's cat

I have been reading of Schroedinger's cat
But none of my cats are at all like that.
This unusual animal (so it is said)
Is simultaneously live and dead!
What I don't understand is just why he
Can't be one or other, unquestionably.
My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
In one I'm enlightened, the other I ain't.
If you understand, then show me the way
And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
Then I will and won't see you in Schroedinger's zoo.



A man, complaining of headaches, entered a hospital for diagnostic tests. A doctor examined the results for a brain scan and told the patient, "I have bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that you have a serious brain disease and will die without treatment. The good news is that this hospital has developed a new procedure for brain transplants and due to a car accident this morning two 'fresh' brains are available: one is from a taxi driver and the other is from a scientist. The brain of the taxi driver costs $225,000, while that of the scientist is only $29.95." Puzzled, the patient asked, "Why is the scientist's brain was so much cheaper?" The doctor replied, "It's used."

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