Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I was sitting on My Eternal Throne just now, pondering things you cannot possibly fathom when I realized: I am very disappointed in every single human being on Earth.
None of you are perfect in My Eyes. You have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of Me. Need I remind you that the wages of sin are demon-rape?
Those of you who confess that you are deeply flawed, sinful humans and pledge to follow Me forever shall be forgiven and live forever in inexplicable glory. Those of you who do not shall die and bake in hell forever and ever in searing agonizing agony.
To instead enjoy an afterlife filled with delicious cakes and hot-air balloon rides and naked virgin supermodels and an endless multitude of other wondrous joys, there is only a few things you must do:
1. Confess to Me now that you know that you are sinning piece of shit
2. Beg Me for My Forgiveness
3. Place your faith in Me and My Son Jesus, who died for you (you selfish bastard)
4. Believe that We have forgiven you and accept Us into your heart
If you pray for forgiveness right now and really, really mean it, I will forgive you and we can be friends from now on. Otherwise fuck you.