I don't know what to do with myself...

I really don't...

I'm so smitten by this girl...she's just too much for me.

I love Kelly.

I love her so...so very much, and she loves me too. It's really more intense than any romance I've ever had in my life, and it's something I don't want to ever give up.

I don't really care if this blog isn't about atheism, or social issues; it's my blog, so I'll do whatever the hell I want with it, damnit.

There's just...such an electrical charge between us, it's hard to describe. One glance from her and I'm in a frenzy trying to figure out what the hell I need to do to make her the happiest girl alive. I want to give her the world, because she deserves it, and so much more. I love her. I love her so much.

I'm in love with her eyes, the small spatter of freckles right under them...the smell of her hair....the way she bites her lower lip when we stare into each others' eyes for too long. I love how her kisses are so soft, yet so charged and full of want. Her scratching my back as we sit at an unusually long stop light; her giggling at the things I say, whether or not they're funny to anyone else...all things I love.

She makes me feel like a real human being inside. She lets me know what it's like to finally have someone I can let into my heart, someone I can finally trust. I told her the other night that I was tired of fighting my battles alone, and I wanted her to be with me, in my heart, fighting with me...and I let her in. I felt such a warm, calming feeling come over me, and I felt more peaceful than I had in years. I feel alive again, and I don't want to lose a second of this feeling.

It's a time like this when I, personally, begin to struggle again with the idea of a divine creator. It boggles my mind that I finally met the one person who makes me feel whole, and sane...and it was all due to chance. No real fate, per se, no...hand of God reaching down and pushing us closer together until we saw one another.

I guess my personal theory comes into play here. I believe that ultimately, we are all part of this electrical current. When we die, our energy flows out and becomes absorbed back into this giant electrical wave that flows throughout all of space and time. We are guided by this current at times, I feel. That's what that pull in the pit of our stomach is, that leads us to make "gut decisions", or if we have a bad feeling about something. We're getting in tune with that current, and for a brief window of time have some real clarity and are able to make better decisions.

I think we are all connected by this current, which is why we feel more of a pull towards certain people over others. I think me and Kelly are incredibly charged and attracted to one another because of this current. I dunno...that's how I rationalize all of this, anyway. It sounds more scientific than "oh, some invisible man said it was gonna happen in a 2000-year old cryptic text", so...yeah.

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Comment by Jasen on July 18, 2008 at 8:31am
You may be a 19th Century Romantic, if...
No, seriously, you sound pretty happy, and I don't think anyone wants to crap on the happy. Your speculative metaphysik does trend towards a godless theism. It sounds pretty fatalistic, too, but then again I'm also humming British Sea Power's song "Childhood Memories" with all this talk o' electricity.
I'm glad your girl Friday gives ya this kind of buzz, and would recommend William James' "Varieties of Religious Experience," in particular the lecture on Mysticism, for a view that might be compatible with your experience. James is just your guy for a bridge to the 19th Century. You're a more noble soul than myself. I think I've always sung something along the lines of Figli di Madre Ignota's "Dago Shoes" when I've felt the powerful force o' attraction.



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