It's a wonderful thing. Freedom. Freedom of ideas, of love and hate. Freedom to feel remorse, regret. I was told I was free, before. Before my decision to forsake religion. But faith captured my liberation, chain by chain, lie by lie. I am newly, truly liberated from the bonds of former dominative masters. It isn't remorse or shame or regret I feel the most right now. It is pity that strikes the deepest. I pity the lies I pilfered as the good steward. I pity the council I offered and the lives I singly converted. I am certain my casual lies have condemned many to a lifetime of false hope and unjust misery.
My physical ailments caused my holy rage against my creator that allowed the design of such imperfection. It left me to feel helpless and unworthy. If I am a copy of a copy of perfection, why are others more perfect that I? In truth, I am not a being of perfect assimilation. I derive my sense of being, now, as a creation of nature. My genetic code, being summoned by the pairing of two imperfect beings. Certainly it was not their desire to to create a less perfect person. But my originally rage is dissipating. How can I hold a grudge against the delusion, which, I once called my god. The being I prayed for help, for guidance, a being that does not exist. One can not rage against rage alone? I have no thing to be mad to.
How I prayed and prayed. Few answers delivered or derived. I prayed over my loved ones, over lost souls, for world peace, for a passing grade in class. How I prayed to be worthy. To summon strength to face another hopeless day.
How can I pray for world peace, to a deity who thrives on death, rape and conquest. And what is a soul? What is heaven and hell. What is forgiveness? Why are women servants to men? Why should a flood, destroying countless civilizations, be justified. Why is the innocent slaying of unbelievers holy?
I can not comprehend war. I hate it. Formally being in the Military, as a christian, I even condoned war. Was I brain washed, callous, blind? I have spread hate and misery in the name of being a disgruntled, maybe disappointed, christian. Are my anger issues the result of serving a hate fueled, false being. I don't feel angry right now. I feel calm. Calmer and more at peace than I ever have.
And since an absentee god is not available to fix the wrong in this world. It must be up to me to share my resources. To share my love. I have much to amend for, yet these crimes I feel remorse but not guilt. If that's the right word, I am not certain? I shed the burden of sin and clothed myself in truth as I understand it.
I continue to feel the birthing pains of beginning a new life. But I have gained a freedom in knowledge. A new search for truth. Freeing myself of the remnants of guilt may take time. But I am free. I am not ashamed.