[as a member of FUCK CENSORSHIP i must admit my misgivings and overall animosity to changing the subjects name into a silly- albeit apt -pseudonym, but anyone who Really wants to know and help can just be a pain in the ass and ask me- and anyone who has any complaints against it should yell at Rosemary! I'm yelling at her right now in fact!!]
This was a messenger conversation i was having with a friend of mine today. It's choppy because of that, and the emoticons don't carry over, and i took the liberty of fixing grammatical and spelling errors (english isn't her 1st language), but i still think this is something that i ought to share- it really made my day. Hopefully i'll be able to come back to this later in life and be able to identify with myself; I hope also that you put as much input into commenting as you wish. I think that this is a subject that really needs to be addressed.
"hey.. don't you have classes now?"
"no. I'm writing something."
"oh.. so yo are busy.." :)
"i am writing about [Happiness bunny]."
"Oh.. can I ask from what aspect are you writing about him?"
"he stopped talking to me. He hasn't said anything to me for a while now. And i think his phone is broken."
"no way.. you think he did it?"
"is there any way to know?"
"no. i guess that's why i'm not really bothered by it--and i feel terrible that i don't feel anything.
But that doesn't change anything. Even if i do guilt myself into feeling sad, then it isn't real sadness."
"Oh.. usually you don't feel anything at the beginning.. "
"no, i felt bad last night but i don't feel anything today...
i have been contacting his 'friends' too."
"online friends ?"
"yeah. Some of them are in the same town. But they aren't even brave enough to respond to me."
"hmm..they can't be of great help..if they don't know him for real..
I hate that.. why can't they..."
"i just wanted to really get a hold of [Happiness Bunny].
But i'm the only one who cares. He was right. No one cared about him
"I think you cared.. and in a true way.. If I can assure any thing.. is that he felt that you cared.. "
"i know i did
"but he didn't want to believe me i guess. He was in such horrible pain for so long... What if i'm the one to blame?!"
"maybe the timing is late .. he was already believing in that..
No don blame yourself..
"what if it's my fault?! He tried to commit suicide the day after he first talked to me!
"i made him face those emotions and he wasn't ready.
"i probably rushed him to his death."
"woah whoa wait a minute.. stop blaming yourself.. he tried to commit suicide even before he met you.."
"no i don't know if he did or not, but i do know that he did After i met him.
I told him that i was responsible for his life."
"you met him when he was at the bottom.."
--"and i Want to be responsible!
--"he can't see hope at this point
"even if it is horrible pain, someone has to feel sadness for his."
"I feel like crying even if it's not certain yet"
"i cried when i realized it at first; i wasn't paying attention that day. I texted him around 2 in the afternoon. That was the first time that day. And i couldn't get a hold of him, i just thought he was busy.
He was doing so well the night before!
i waited and waited...
if i hadn't hesitated, i would know that he is either alive or not--i wouldn't have to continue to be like this...
"but actually .. even if you didn't hesitate, he already decided..
And that would give you more pain to not being able to stop him
"then WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME?!
I want to know!"
"he didn't want to listen to the only voice of hope he knew"
"i don't care about me, i want to be able to be there for him. I wanted to nurture him and love him, so that he could find new people and...Continue to live. I wanted to get him through this so desperately."
"Rick.. when people already at the point of committing suicide .. they lose their reasoning ability.. even if they cooperate with u for sometimes.. their depression will take over everything... especially when the people trying to help aren't around (in tangible way) .."
I know i know i know!
That's why i was trying to find other people who would be There for him- no one answered!!
I never was able to introduce him to anyone that wanted to help him also."
"you wanted to help.. but it's not your fault that it didn't work.. it takes 2 people to work that out.. Jeremy didn't believe in his ability to survive.."
"he didn't have to believe in himself! All i wanted was for him to believe in me! At least for a while."
"all you needed is time to prove that.. and he didn't give you that.."
"i know, he's selfish and stupid!"
"I've been around someone who committed suicide once.. and I know no matter how you tried to help.. it didn't work .. they should believe in themselves a little bit ..before in any one.."
"i guess you are right.
i really wish he would have been able to talk to someone else besides me.
i want to feel like this, but i am so alone with this burden...i think that is what is worst."
"may be he acted selfishly.. but remember he abused himself..his right to live..
I really wanna support you through this.. I know it's not a pleasant feeling
I know that there will be a 'what if ' always wondering around. Chasing you all the time.."
"you are helping me so much.
i am so thankful for that."
"it's the least I can do.
But believe me.. you did your best.."
"i'm glad i was able to really talk about it."
"continue to talk about it.."
"there are so few people who care like that yushi"
"get all your feelings out. Even the anger and the sadness.."
"i'm done yushi.
He was a stranger far away.
All i wanted was to be a hero. I was being selfish too."
"but that's a lesson .. No matter How hard we tried.. if the person doesn't want to change or believe in that.. we can't do anything about it .. even if we have all means to help him."
I absolutely will not believe that.
Anything can be changed!"
"anything can be changed yeah.. but there should be a seed for that in their heart ..so it can grow."
"i can plant it
i will nurture it."
"you can try to plant it...but you can't guarantee its growing.."
"i don't want a guarantee!
I want to TRY."
"that's the point.
try.. do all you can...but if doesn't work .. it's out of your hands.."
"no, that is a slippery idea."
"i will simply have to live with the fact that i failed.
Whether or not it was inevitable doesn't change anything."
"you have to live with the fact that 'it didn't work that time'"
"failure is when you do everything and it all goes bad...but you didn't even have the time to try all that you could...
Hmm.. get a hug from somebody around you .. you need that.. don't stay alone in that."
"lol i'm working on it now.
i'm gonna post this conversation ok? On my blog."
"good. This is so much better than what i wrote"
"the least I can do.. is to be there for a friend."
"i hope it really Shows the emotion!
And thanks again.
For this, and for the free blog lol."
"hahahahahha.. you are welcome"
"Ok.. gotta go but if u wanna say anything.. feel free to text me ..
"i hope it really Shows the emotion!"- Well i can kiss that goodbye now CAN'T I!!! GRRRRRR!!!
Well, maybe all this telling About the posting and censorship of it will show people some emotion lol.