Interviewer: Hello God, glad to have you with us. How are you feeling today ?
God: Well, you know, I change not, and there is no shadow of turning in me.
Interviewer: That brings to mind a question that we all would like to know. Why were you so violent and bloodthirsty in the Old Testament of the Bible ? And was your mindset any different in the New Testament ? The reason I ask is because, according to nearly all Christians, you dealt with mankind in a different, more nicer way, in the New Testament.
God: Truth be told, and as you know I never lie, I had a lot of fun during Old Testament times. It was so fun and gratifying flooding the world and wiping out every living thing, including young children and unborn babies.
Interviewer: That being the case then, why did you spare Noah and his family ?
God: Well, I couldn't very well wipe out everyone altogether, if I wanted to keep having fun. That's the real reason I spared Noah and his family, I wasn't through having fun with you helpless and feeble people who I made from the dust of the earth, and I'm still not through. Why else do you think I allow such things as earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, plagues, and general mayhem ?
Interviewer: So, correct me if I'm wrong, so I can be sure I hear you correctly. You enjoyed commanding Israel to utterly wipe out the people you didn't like, and slash open pregnant women with the sword, pulling their unborn babies out through the gash and beat them repeatedly against jagged rocks ? You enjoyed watching the Israelites slaughter young and old alike, and taking young virgin girls as sex slaves ?
God: Oh heavens yes ! Do you think I would not have commanded such violent atrocities rather than simply changing people hearts if I didn't enjoy watching it and even sometimes participating in it myself ?
Interviewer: That brings to mind Epicurus' riddle, which, since you are all knowing, I'm sure you've heard of. But in case some in our audience are not familiar with it I'll now quote it.
Interviewer: "Is God willing to prevent evil, but is not able ?
Then He is not omnipotent.
Is He able, but not willing ?
Then He is malevolent.
Is He both able and willing ?
Then whence cometh evil ?
Is He neither able nor willing ?
Then why call Him God ?"
Interviewer: Many theologians have struggled with Epicurus' riddle for centuries and the problem of evil, but have never really come up with a satisfactory solution to it. They even introduced a whole new category to theology for trying to justify the evil that constantly afflicts both man and animal kind, called Theodicy.
God: Ah yes. Epicurus. I remember him well. In fact, since I view all history, past, present, and future, simultaneously, he is still alive in my sight and formulating his little riddle right this moment. Smart cookie that one. He caught onto my game. I hate that stupid bastard for being so smart.
Interviewer: As is well known, Epicurus didn't give us a solution to his riddle. Perhaps he didn't know the answer himself. So, you're omniscient, and you also, like us humans, are aware of your own motives and why you do things the way you do. So, you tell us. What is the solution to Epicurus' riddle ?
God: Why, the answer is staring all of you puny little amoebas right in the face. I already know the answer, but I'll ask it as a rhetorical question. How is it that you cannot figure it out ? The answer is quite simple really. I am all powerful, all knowing, and everywhere simultaneously. But, and here's the catch, it has nothing to do with free will, or that my hands are tied because of free will. Because I am omnipotent, nothing, absolutely nothing, can thwart my will. If I want to do a thing, anything I desire, nothing can stop me, not free will, not Satan, not all the demons in hell and all of my own heavenly angels combined do not have even one iota of the power I possess. My power is infinite, illimitable. Do you know what that means ? My power is infinitely beyond the power of your tiny little brains to even begin to comprehend. Those ignorant theologians tried to limit me with their silly notions that I could not do the logically impossible. Yes, you idiots, it is true, I can create a square circle or a married bachelor.
God: So, the simple answer to Epicurus' riddle is that I am able to prevent evil, but I don't because I am, indeed, malevolent, and I don't want to put a stop to it. In fact, I not only allow it, sometimes I am the one who causes it.
Interviewer: But, as I asked earlier, what about the New Testament and your coming in the form of Jesus Christ ? Didn't you come to sacrifice your life for us so that we might find your forgiveness ? Aren't you a nicer, friendlier God now ?
God: It's like I already told you, I never change. Do you think I am lying ? I already told you I do not lie, even though I do, at times, make people believe lies so I can get the pleasure of watching them burn and suffer for eternity in the hell I created. Have you even read the New Testament ? I already know the answer. That's a rhetorical question again. I know you have read it. But did you pay close attention to what you read ? By the way, I know the answer to that too. Do you recall the parable I spoke when I was here as Jesus ? The parable about the ruler who went to a far country to claim a kingdom. When he returned to his own kingdom, he learned from his sources that some of his subjects did not want him to rule over them as king. He told his servants to bring those subjects forward and slaughter them all in his sight. Who do you think the king represented in that parable was ? Why Jesus of course, or me, I should say, since I was and am Jesus.
God: And remember, when I was here as Jesus, I firmly stated that I had not come to give peace on earth, but war and division. I like those sorts of things. Remember, I also told people that if they wanted to follow me they would have to give up and give away everything in their lives, their husbands or wives, their children, their parents, all of their possessions, everything without exception. And don't fall for that silly idea that Christians who don't want to part with what they have came up with, that I meant that symbolically. I meant and still mean it literally. Either give away everything you own and follow me or suffer forever in the hell I created.
God: And furthermore, do you seriously believe I really gave up anything by sacrificing my human life as Jesus ? I rose up alive again three days later as good and better than new. I didn't lose a thing, after all, while my human body lay in that tomb I was happily sitting on my throne in heaven watching all those fools weeping and crying over me. If I had really made a meaningful sacrifice I would have had to stay in human form (though I am a triune being) and suffer the combined torture of everyone who has ever lived or ever will live in hell forever and ever. No, that was nothing. I gave up nothing. A few hours of human suffering mean nothing when you know you're going to live again in three short days, plus the fact that I wasn't really dead, since I was simultaneously sitting right here on my throne watching the whole spectacle. No, I never change. I'm still mean, nasty, bad tempered, and a generally rotten bastard, and I'm going to personally send the vast majority of you humans to hell forever and ever.
Interviewer (Clears throat and loosens tie): Well, there you have it folks. I can't add anything to what has been said by the Almighty. I would be very afraid to. So, uh, thank you God for joining us today, it's, uh, really been an eye-opener.
God: Good boy. Know your role.