Isaiah Chapter 59:- They hatch cockatrice' eggs
I was under the impression that a cockatrice is hatched from a cock’s egg, so I tried to purchase some from my local supermarkets, to no avail. Can you tell me where they can be purchased, and advise me where I can buy food now that I am barred from my local shops.
Exodus 16:4 Then said the Lord unto Moses, Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you.
Is there any possibility that you could intervene with the Lord and ask for the raining of the odd slice of bread or even a biscuit or two on me, now that I have been declared a danger to society and not allowed into any of my local shops I am getting extremely hungry.
Isaiah 36:12 :- That they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss.
In the absence of the promised raining of food and suffering from the terrible pangs of hunger I sampled the above menu as suggested by the Lord. Could you now suggest a good remedy to relive acute vomiting, nausea, diarrhoea and stomach cramps.
4 Kings 2:23-24 And he (Elijah ) went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
Another side effect of my current diet is that all my hair has fallen out, and as a result the local homies ridicule me mercilessly. As advised by the Lord I did try luring them to the woods to be devoured by bears but no bears turned up and in fear of my life and being a God-fearing, gun-toting American, I took 40 of them out with my personal protection Uzi. For some reason this seems to have aggravated the local Police, and excited Sky News, and despite my clear explanation that this was the Lords punishment for mockery of baldness. I now find myself homeless and on the run from the Police.
Acts Chapter 5. The judgment of God upon Ananias and Saphira, killed by the Lord because they would not sell all they possessed and give it to the Priests.
I have been taken in and sheltered by some God fearing pilgrims who live under a bridge, they say they are the disciples of the Holy Shopping Trolley, and their leader who is a kindly man says I should give him all I possess, he says God will be angry if I don’t. I have no problem with this as it sounds pretty logical, but I can’t understand what God wants with a stolen Ford, a tin watch, an empty Uzi, and my old clothes.
Deuteronomy 23:1 No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.
Having decided not to give up my tin watch, (after all It was a gift from the National Rifle Association, signed by God, I mean Charlton Heston himself) I suffered a severe beating from the kindly God fearing followers of the Holy Shopping Trolley, which was understandable, as I did not give up everything I had. However, in the course of the beating I suffered crushed testicles, resulting in the surgical removal of my damaged organ in an attempt to halt the gangrene and save my life.
I now have only three important questions:-
1. Being on the verge of death, how am I going to overcome that ban and get into heaven?
2. How do I pay the surgeon before I go, now that I am destitute?
3. And where the hell can you get those damned cockatrice' eggs?