So say the texts which Jews and Christians consider holy.

When you make something in your image you make it look like you, right? This would mean that the Jewish God responsible for the creation of man looks exactly like an ancient Jewish male.

This might need a little modification since there is some dispute over whether the creation god was Yahweh, El, a committee of Elohim gods or some combination of these. There is also the question of whether the responsible god was Canaanite before converting to Judaism. That is not very important, really, as all those Middle Eastern tribes looked much the same in those days. It’s not as if we are talking about a god/man image with white skin, blue eyes and Caucasian features like the Baby Jesus and the Heart Dweller of the American Bible Belt. And he wouldn’t be really black either, would he? He would be a nice coffee colored Middle Eastern tan.

The Jewish Yahweh God is male, right? Does this mean he has a penis? If so, what use would he have for it?

He doesn’t need it to impregnate women. According to the angel this god sent to the originally Virgin Mary, he can manage to impregnate human women entirely with his Spirit. Apparently Mary didn’t feel a thing until the result started kicking on her uterine wall. Now that’s what I call good godly rape. The recipient and her loved ones are only faced with the lifelong consequences of an out of wedlock pregnancy in a culture which traditionally stoned women for that offense. What a blessing that must have been!

A human has a two sets of chromosomes: one from the mother and one from the father. The gender is determined entirely by the father. If Mary had miraculously got pregnant from the union of two human eggs the baby could only have been female. Ergo, the male parts of Jesus were entirely divine. When Catholics get to eat the body of Christ in trans-substantiated wafers does this mean that they are necessarily eating the male parts of Jesus?

There's another puzzle here. Generally only one gene from each of the gene pairs strung out along the chromosome is switched on and expressed in the body. So which ones were dominant in Jesus? Were all of the Yahweh god's genes dominant or did some of Mary's genes get to express themselves? If so, which ones? Did he have his mother's eyes, for instance?

The Yahweh God doesn’t appear to need a penis for other procreative reasons, either. He reputedly created man entirely out of dust.

What about the social and relationship building uses of the penis? According to the Jewish scriptures, Yahweh doesn’t have much of a social life with his own kind, let alone a wife or divine girlfriend. He apparently spends time fighting with or lording it over the lesser divinities: the good and bad angels and the seraphims and devil gods. He presumably made all of them, too. It is not explained whether they also look like him but they are reputedly all male. Some of them aren’t very nice, but perhaps that was due to reproductive error rather than an impaired template. Or not.

It seems that if the Yaweh god did fashion his minions after his own divine pattern he didn't give them the full dose. He is reported to have significantly outdone his arch rival in the number of people he has slaughtered or had killed. The Devil is only credited with killing 10 people and to have done so in a joint venture with his Creator: Job didn't stand a chance as the wretched play toy of two divine beings. On the other hand, the aggression quotient in human males is remarkably similar to the sacred reports of Yahweh's godly fury and penchant for eternal torture.

Unfortunately this trait has been eroded in humans over time as they become more able to tell what is good and what is evil. Placing a contaminating tree within reach of hungry proto-humans seems to have impaired the replication of this part of the godly image. Fortunately, from the godly perspective, there are many humans who continue to believe that truly heinous acts are divinely inspired goodness.

In any case, the Yahweh God is clearly not a family kind of guy. So far there is no record of him showing any interest in creating a family of bouncing godlets or doing any real caring for the perpetually childish cherabims. No nappy changes for him. His half-caste son shared the same disinterest in family life and values so the trait may be genetic.

But we have digressed into the realm of personality traits. Let us return to a contemplation of the physical.

Of course, the penis has several functions in humans. Perhaps the Yahweh god restricts his use of this part of his physique to the provision of entertainment and pleasure. Of course, we would have to assume that the internal organs were not part of the shared god/man image and that there was consequently no godly sperm to spew over the heavenly bed coverings. Wasting the building blocks of new eternal life would be sinful, wouldn't it?

What about the use of the penis to remove bodily waste products? This is a bit hard to explain. Why would a god who never needs to eat or drink need to pee? Come to think of it, if he doesn’t need to consume food then he doesn’t need to crap either. So what would he do with an anus?

It follows that there is also no godly use for a mouth. There is no point in a godly image which has teeth for chewing and a tongue for mixing food with saliva in order to begin the digestive process.

The communicative use of the mouth appears to have ceased to function properly in the Yahweh God some time after its pattern was transferred to Adam.

After the Yahweh god kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden he no longer bumped into them for regular chats and the vocal mechanisms apparently atrophied. Before long all he could manage was a still small voice but this wasn’t aggressive enough to get his point across most of the time. He experimented with sending angels and prophets to express his wishes but there were problems with that. Angels weren’t readily available and the prophets made some really embarrassing errors and contradictions in their written reports. These days the Yahweh god uses telepathy almost exclusively although this seems to work better with some people than others. He hasn’t got it quite right yet as few people who believe they hear him can agree on what he is saying. The Holy Spirit provides a really lousy translation service and ends up leading the faithful into all kinds of confusion.

What about the eye pattern? The squids have a much better pattern for their eyes than humans. Their retina is on top of the neuronal and nutritional networks: the optic nerve does not interrupt the vision and the networks do not depress visual acuity. Compared with this system, the human eye is in backwards: the visual reception area is underneath the networks. Does the Yahweh god have the better designed squid type eye or does he, like his human facsimiles, suffer from a blind spot and relatively cloudy vision?

What use has the Yahweh god for legs? He doesn’t have gravity where he lives and he doesn’t need to walk anywhere. A god who is everywhere at once would not do well with appendages which only work in areas with gravitational pull. Perhaps there are parts of Heaven which have artificial gravity.

What use does the Yahweh god have for arms, or hands, of fingers? He doesn’t need fine motor skill for creating Big Bangs and carbon based soup.

The human ears, like the ears of other developed animals, pick up sound waves and localize them by comparing the sound perceived from one ear to the sound perceived from the other. Some kind of gas or fluid is required for this process to work. Unless the Yahweh God lives on a planet with an atmosphere similar to earth then he has no need for body parts which look like this pattern. It's completely soundless in space vacuum.

Perhaps the ears were useful in the past when he was using his legs to walk around in the Garden of Eden. Later they may have been useful for hearing the prayers of humans wailing in the desert or in the Temples of the Middle East. The godly ears seem to be more selective than human ears, though. If this were not the case, then he would be a sadist who enjoys hearing the screams of animals being slaughtered or burned for his pleasure. That would make him a devil god rather than a holy god. However, as we have implied above, the difference between a loving god and a celestial arsehole is a bit difficult to define on the basis of sacred writings, prophetic pronouncements and the antics of televangelists.

Does the Yahweh god sweat? Human eyebrows help prevent sweat from sliding down the brow into the eye and impairing our non-squid vision even more. If the Yahweh God doesn’t use his leg and arm muscles for physical work under gravitational pull then he does not sweat and eyebrows have no function.

What about the nose? Now I can understand the need for a nose since the Yahweh god made it clear that he craved the smell of burning animal flesh but didn’t care for vegetables. What is of major interest here, however, is whether it has a hook like the stereotypical Jewish nose. I mean, do you want your god to look completely like a Jew already?

The big puzzle is the nipples. They don't seem to have any function for human men but perhaps they have a function for a god. Is it possible that Yahweh possesses maternal instincts and uses them to wet-nurse or pacify those eternal cherabims? I wonder if this kind of cross-gender behavior counts as a family value.

Finally there is the hairy question of skin fuzz. Which pattern does God have? Is he bald? Does he have long flowing hair? Does he have a long unshaven beard? If he looks like a male with Middle Eastern genetics then he won’t have the almost clean shaven look of Asian races. Does this mean that Asians were not made in the image of the Jewish god?

In other words, a god who looked like the image of a Middle Eastern man from antiquity would be wearing a decorative covering with little to no functional use.

I get it! The Yahweh God is a Dress up Artist who likes to go around in a Costume. And humans are live art manufactured for the amusement of the Heavenly Hosts. What is really terrific is that most of the features which are purely artistic on a Divine Being actually have useful functions in humans. Isn't that clever?

There are only a few major mess-ups (like the eye and the appendix), and the minor design faults are not things I want to discuss here. (There’s too many of them. Go look them up!)

Man has a purpose! I feel much better now.

There is still one burning question. What image did the Yahweh god use to make woman?

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Comment by Riggs on March 21, 2009 at 5:07pm
While we are on the subject of nipples. Did God have pink or darker colored areola's? I guess it would depend on the amount of sunlight heaven may or may not have. I am assuming Dark because of what we know of the people in the area of that time.
Comment by Rosemary LYNDALL WEMM on February 14, 2009 at 2:40pm
P.S. If the Jews had not brought sin into the world they would look like this, too.
Comment by Rosemary LYNDALL WEMM on February 14, 2009 at 2:39pm
That's easy to explain. The Yahweh god looks like the average white Anglo-saxon evangelical male. All other genders and races have micro-evolved away from this standard of perfection.
Comment by Confuseus on February 14, 2009 at 12:16pm
Very nice analysis and humor. If mankind was created in God's image, why are there so many different races?
Comment by Rosemary LYNDALL WEMM on February 6, 2009 at 10:07am
I will attempt to answer your questions Fundie style.

Before eating of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil (the TOTKOGAE) Adam and Eve were like the animals - poo came in neat little manure pellets a urine provided instant nutrients for the trees.

Eve didn't need femine protection because she was pregnant all the time. Besides it is a proven fact that African women do not need this kind of protection.

If you had read your Bible properly you would know that the Yahweh god does not have wings. No doubt the universities, being hot beds of atheism, will try to make some kind of problem out of the fact that angels have both arms and wings. Obviously the genetic coding for these creatures is different because they are spirits.

See! It's all very simple if you just have the right kind of faith in the right kind of quantity.

Now go away a kill a few witches and stone your children for disobedience like you have been commanded in the Good Book.
Comment by unholyroller on February 6, 2009 at 12:59am
I have a couple of questions that no one has been able to answer......Where did Adam & Eve go pee & poo?? I's Paridise fer chrissakes! Where do you squat in Paridise? And what did Eve use as feminine protection? And what kind of gene splicing do you have to do to get a (supposedly) mammalian creature to sprout avain features i.e. wings? Ummmmm.....just asking.

All that aside, great post, and thought-provoking fer shur! Enjoyed it very much. Thanks.
Comment by Rosemary LYNDALL WEMM on January 26, 2009 at 4:04am
Sheryl, I suggest that he was probably intact during his years as one of the Caanite gods under El. No doubt he submitted to the knife during his stay on earth as a half-human.
Comment by Sheryl on January 26, 2009 at 1:36am
Was god circumcised?
Comment by River Otter on January 18, 2009 at 5:30pm
Let's not forget those pesky wisdom teeth. Was that a design flaw?
Our backs aren't the best design either.
Comment by Leslee Love on January 18, 2009 at 12:09pm
Yes, I am confused as to why men have nipples! And, damn, I could go for a good godly rapin'!



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