Bridal Gowns

This will not be my regular disecting of religion or one of its representatives, but it did come about because of comments from the sisters of a preacher about to be married. If you are about to become a traditional bride, you might not want to read any further because what follows is neither purity white nor blessed in heaven. "Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta," a show about purchasing the dream dress for you wedding dominated the television screen for two-hours, while I researched errant preachers on my computer. What I picked up in the periphery put a stylus in my grip as all the things I despise about weddings surfaced, which is nearly everything.

Of the things that take the shine off my patent leather shoes when it comes to weddings, and there are many, one particularly irks me--the COST! As I listened and watched to the show, I was struck by the number of women and men with brain damage who barely blinked at gowns costing$30,000, $60,000, $100,000 and more. 

In their quest to purchase the perfect fairy tale princess gown, many of the anxious women brought everyone from brothers and sisters to moms and dads to ensure success in picking the one just made for that bride. However, from the four episodes I watched it seemed the brides-to-be brought the good, bad and the ugly of wedding gown judges--friends, soon to be in-laws, the payee that thinks their vote should override even the bride's and the groom. Why the hell he wants to be there or consented is open to interpretation.

The sisters of a preacher about to be married felt it was in poor taste for the bride to wear an off-white gown, after all they were virgins when they married and the Pope's children attended. A mother kept stressing that when she married women wore sleeves and that a strapless gown looked cheap. It looked beautiful to me, but cheap it wasn't at $18,000. A soon to be groom complained that the dress his future wife picked would interfere with dancing. Another woman brought ten of her closest friends and they shot down everything including one of the witches flying past. 

Despite the cost, I actually enjoyed looking at the gowns which nearly all approaching a work of art and many of the women became not just attractive but stunning. I found myself rooting for the bride and she would tell the naysayers to kiss her ass. I am not against a bride looking her best, but when a gown surpasses the cost of a motorcycle (something I can use more than once), a Prisma or a starter house, I lose interest at the mention especially considering the divorce rate in this country.

I'm not anti-marriage, just anti-wedding and consider it a phenomenal waste of money that desecrates the idea of life-long love and caring. Credit must be given to art of advertising and marketing, which start before most reach awareness. The subliminal messages are constant as are the blatant ads suggesting that being unmarried without all the trimmings is nearly sinful and unpatriotic. Meanwhile, we men are goaded into becoming providers, although judging from the numbers of those "shacking" something is being lost in the translation.

The sexist nature of American weddings eases past the most ardent feminists like urine on a dark suit because it's all for them. The traditional chauvinistic weddings no longer imbue the male with ownership of the bride requiring her to walk 3-steps behind him, following his every edict. That was a major loss for the troglodytic male that aside from watching skull-ball, a precursor to modern day football, spent their time drink Old Panther. 

Think it's not for the female? How many computers, X-Boxes, sports season tickets, gift certificates for Best Buy or Motorcycle World show up in the wedding gifts. None, but there are gravy-boats that won't be used, crystal that will never see a drop of wine, but plenty of dust and China that will be used when the Pope drops past for dinner.

The total focus on the female is not lost on most men; we just have the good manners and common sense to keep our mouths shut. There is no need for men to have any opinion at all about the wedding as once the question is popped, he is no longer in control and when his rational mind returns, he also realizes he never was. Men are not required unless it is to play straight man to the one of the worst financial jokes ever written. From that point on until the wedding, the groom could ride the space shuttle and not be missed unless some of his money had been earmarked. 

For today's modern American world, grooms need not involve themselves, other than showing up at the right place, at the correct time and dressed in the proper attire. The ring? When it comes to shiny baubles , "It's the thought that counts," ranks so far behind "That must have cost a fortune" and "That's huge" that it is at the rim of a black hole at edge of the galaxy. If it cost more than 50-yard line seats at the Super Bowl, women should feel liberated enough to buy one that will knock her friends on their envious asses.

As a man, total withdrawal is not quite as appealing as some men might think. Men, you definitely want to be involved in the honeymoon choice. Believe it or not, men and women have different ideas of what makes an ideal get away. Sex is always great, except, there is no possible way to go 72-hours without coming up for air and there is the rub. When the lungs begin to burn and you are forced to surface, the dilemma slams in your face. After a shower together, breakfast and calls to Mom and Dad you will find yourself looking for something else to do besides make love. There's nothing worse than being stuck in downtown Jump & Shout, Montana with nothing to do. 

Don't blame me if I think investing money in useful things or items that will show a return, that I'm against it totally, I'm not--especially if someone else is paying for it and hoping that it lasts.


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Comment by Jennie Devlin on July 16, 2011 at 12:27am
those shows are ridiculous lol i guess i'm not part of the 'norm' getting married in my backyard and sewing my own dress of my own taste, and no honeymoon :) we are already married in my mind. its just a formality. i find it ridiculous how much money is wasted on weddings as well. why not give that money to the kids for their first house (if the parents are paying for it)? starting out a life together in debt sounds pretty fricking insane to me also..



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