Registered & ProtectedHere is a story I’m working on called Children Of The Witch.
Please critique it, point out any spelling or grammar error and tell me what you think of the story so far.


Marie ran threw the wood, running from the Eastern States Cooperative police. She had to find a way to escape from the pursuing police and save her doughtier.
She was to be executed for an attempted murder. She was a slave. As a young child she was purchased by a man name Minow McAar. He purchased her as a made servant for his family but he used her for other things. He molested her from the time she was eight. When she was thirteen she got pregnant. She gave birth to a daughter named Marine. As Marie grew older, into her mid teens Minow lost interest in her. As her doughtier, Marlene grew, Minow began to take an interest in Marlene. When Marlene was seven, Minow raped her. To defend her daughter from her master Marie attack Minow with a knife. Minow survived and Marie was taken by the Cooperative police to be exacted.

She doesn’t know how it happened but when she was being taken to the prison to be executed she blacked out. When she awoke the van had stopped, the police were all dead. She took the chance and ran.
She had been running for almost twelve hours. Her mussels ached, she was exhausted. The urge to give up was growing stronger. But she couldn’t! She needed to find a way to get away, to survive. To save her doughtier who was still in the hands of the bastard Minow!
As strong as her will was, her body could not go much further. She had been running for too long, she had reached her limit.
As the dogs and police neared her some one pulled her into some bushed. He placed his hand over her mouth and said: “Don’t scream, don’t make a sound. They can’t sense us. I don’t allow them too.”
The police and there dogs got close enough to see her but they didn’t.
Marie began to panic. She new they would kill her right here.
“Don’t panic!” The man holding her in the bushes whispered. “They can not see us.”
The police looked around but did not see her. Their dogs sniffed around but they couldn’t find her ether.
The police and their dogs moved on. Mary and the man remained there until the police and there dogs were far enough away that they could not hear them.
He finally let her go. She tuned to look at him. He was 6′ 7″ to 6′ 10″ he had light skin and short broun hair.
“How did you-” Mary asked.
“All will be explained at the village.”
“No, I have to get to Akron, I need to-” Marie then fell.
“Your too exhausted to go anywhere.” He helped her to her feet. “You can rest in the village then go on to Akron.”

The Village

When they got to the village, he brought Marie to the medical tent. Marie had collapsed just out side of the village. The village doctor examined her, her found she was dehydrated and slightly malnourished.

The next morning Marie awoke, the man saved her the night before was sitting next to her reading a newspaper. Marie sat up and looked around.
“Where am I?” Marie asked.
“Your finally awake.” He the man said. “You in the Witches Village.” He closed the paper and placed in on a table next to the bed. “I’m Martin McKee.” He raised his hand to shake hers.
“Marie.” She shook Martins hand. Marie pulled off the cover and tuned to get up.
“Maybe you should stay in bed until the doctor Snyder says you can-”
“No!” She said getting up from the bed. She tuned to walk out of the tent and nearly fell.
Martin got up from the seat to help Marie and said: “Maybe you shouldn’t be up yet.”
Marie held her hand out stopping Martin and said: “No, no. I need to get to Akron.”
“That will be a problem.” Martin then picked up the newspaper and showed her the front page, it had a picture of her on it.
She grabbed the newspaper from him. She then threw it on the floor. “It doesn’t matter. That bastard has my child!” She then tinned to walk out of the tens and fell.
“You can’t save anyone if your dead! And besides your in no condition to get back out there.”
Martin walked over and helped her up.”Rest here for a while then when the heat cools off, we’ll help you save your doughtier.” Martin aid.
“How do you know I have a doughtier?”
“You said you ‘That bastard has my doughtier’.”
“No, I said ‘that bastard has my child’.”
“Oh, well all will be explained later when you see the witch Nimue. Now come, lay down.”
“Witch?” Marie then remembered the night before, how the police and dogs walked passed them when they should have seen them. “Whats going on? How am I alive? How did you-”
“All will be explained. Now please, lay down, rest. If you want to save your doughtier, you need your strength.”
Marie let Martin help her to the bed.
“When your rested we’ll take you to witch Nimue. You will understand then. Now rest.”
As Marie lied back down a woman came into the tent. She was about 5′ 5″, had long brown curly hair, light skin and wore a purple and dress. She had a tray with some food and a cup.
“I see your up.” The woman said. “I brought some food. From Snyders menu, bland and tasteless but healthy.” She walked over and placed the tray on the table next to the bed and “I’m Angeline , Angeline Michaels. But you can call me Angi”
“Marie.” Marie said. “Where is this doctor?”
“With witch Nimue. She is sort of our leader.”
“Why is she called ‘witch’?”
“The title comes-”
“It will be explained when you see her.” Martin interrupted.
Angi gave Matin an angry look and signed “Don’t interrupt me!”
“We don’t know if we can trust her yet.” Martin signed.
“Nimue said-”
“Nimue had made mistakes in the past, she is not perfect and nether is her clairvoyance.”
“Whats wrong?” Marie asked.
“Nothing.” Martin answered. “Just… Nothing.” he then got up. “I have to go need to restock our resources. Angi will sit with you.”He gestured to Angi. “Just in case, you’ve been through allot.” He then signed to Angi: “Don’t tell her too much, not yet at least.”

©Copyright Casey L. Hoover 2009. All rights reserved

Views: 46


You need to be a member of Atheist Nexus to add comments!

Join Atheist Nexus

Comment by Lone Wolf on March 8, 2009 at 10:03pm
Creature: Dammit. I know how to spell "daughter" and "through" yet I keep misspelling them. More of the back story will come out as the story moves along. Your right, I do need more descriptions of the people ans surroundings.
Comment by It's just Matt on March 6, 2009 at 3:11pm
Please refer to my comments posted in the " I write because I have to " group discussion.
Comment by Creature on March 6, 2009 at 1:44am
I think that you should change 'doughtier' to 'daughter', and 'threw' to 'through'. There were a few other misspellings, but I think you'll probably catch them when you go over it again. If it were up to me I'd want a little more fleshed out version of the back story, with a little more attention to the way things look, sound, smell, etc. A suggestion one of my English instructors gave us, that really made a difference, was to avoid words like is/was and has/had in our descriptions of things.

© 2019   Atheist Nexus. All rights reserved. Admin: The Nexus Group.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service