Anyone who has successfully deconverted knows how difficult that can be to give up on a cherished idea. I wrote a short poem expressing how difficult this was for me.
pregnant with a new thought
ashamed she aborts
-- A. D'Agio
Prior to deconverting (and I still remember the day) I had many questions (false contractions)! So many questions. Why were there two creation stories in the bible that did not agree with each other? Why did the four gospels differ so much concerning the birth of Jesus? I would think these things over, and over ; researching them with writings from the library and followed up with questions to the church elders. None of the answers were satisfying but nevertheless I held on (aborted). I held on to the hope that one day it would all make sense. That the true living god would reveal himself to me. I prayed for wisdom. I prayed for discernment. (be careful of what you pray for). Never truly understanding that the answers were being presented to me.
It was not until I realized that neither the church nor the bible had the answers I sought, that I gave up on the old and embraced the birth of a new world view. Was it easy? HELL NO! It hurt like mad. I was mad at everyone who ever had told me about Jesus, god and the rest of the 'lies'. And what was I left with? This little tiny beginning. So small it could barely cover my nose much less keep me warm from the cruelties of life. But then I realized I had with me a clarity that "passeth all understanding". I was feeling light and the burden of trying to be perfect, god fearing servant was not something I had to do. Now I realized I had to make my own decision of what to do and when to do it. I realized there were no easy answers. No one to fix my problems. No one always watching my back. This often leaves me feeling exposed and vulnerable but that's OK. That's the adventure. That's the journey. And in the end (if there is such a thing) I will have fewer regrets as there won't be anyone to disappoint. There will be no god that I should have understood better. No better way to have lived my life other than to be my authentic self.