First Christmas with the new family

I was thinking about my first Christmas with my ex wife's family. It was awkward as family gatherings tend to be. My new in-laws love the Christmas holiday season. They love everything about it. The lights, the songs, the pomp and circumstance.

I did my best to fit in and be jolly. Jolly by the is something I'm not good at. It's not that I'm not happy. It's just that I'm not overly expressive with my joy. It was a little off putting to the new "fam" I guess because it caused a tiff between my new bride and I.

Quick side note. Spend at least one of every holiday with someone before going down the isle of unholy matrimony. It's just good sense. I wish I would have had it. I'm sure she feels the same way. At least we only ended up spending one Christmas together.

My ex mother in-law thought it would be nice if I said grace being the newest member of the family and all. It became glaringly obvious that they didn't know me very well. The Girl that could say "I do" to me, after only knowing me for three alcohol soaked weeks didn't have the courage, drunk or otherwise to tell her mother that I don't do prayers, or religion for that matter.

I needed to save some face and part of me wanted to actually make an effort to fit in to someone else's dysfunctional family. I'm not saying they were anymore dysfunctional than anyone else's family. I think all families are dysfunctional at least on some level. My family has her family beat hands down on dysfunction on both sides of my lineage. I liked and still do like her family.

Well, there I am kind of lost. I have not said a prayer in close to thirty years. I have faked saying some prayers here and there, but even that was a long time ago. So I just kind of free styled it. I imagined I was on the stage of a comedy club somewhere with a mic in hand and lights glaring down on me. Not that unlike the stares that were glaring up at me from the table.

"Jesus this would be easier and a little less awkward if I believed in you. I am not sure what to say. Thanks for forgiving our sins; which I am sure; as you know I have committed many. I hope those nails didn't hurt too bad. Don't be mad at the Jews they were just doing what they thought was right. Hey while I got you on the line can you talk to the profit Mohamed. Maybe you guys can work something out in the Middle East. I am sure the line forming at the pearly gates has got to be as long as an Elephants dick, not to mention you guys have to be running low on virgins by now. By the way Where did you get the virgins anyway? Did you create heavenly virgins anew? Are these girls that for what ever horrific reasons could not loose their virginity here on earth and are now being forced upon religious martyrs in the afterlife? That would be funny and somewhat redeeming for all the bad things you let happen down here on earth. Amen. Let's eat."

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Comment by Ravenone on March 18, 2009 at 7:53am
LMAO...too funny. Sorry 'bout your marriage though. Your prayer had a lil too much truth!

Great post.
Comment by Riggs on March 17, 2009 at 10:13pm
I do the same thing. MLK jr. wasn't the only peaceful objectioner to bigotry
Comment by unholyroller on March 17, 2009 at 10:10pm
Hilariously irreverent! When prayers are offered in my presence, mostly at family gatherings, I just stand there, eyes wide open, head up, one has had the balls to call me on it. Of course, I would ask them why, if they're so holy, were they looking around? Spying for god...hmmmm??????



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