Have you ever walked across the ice on a frozen lake and begin to see small cracks form under your feet? The cracks become bigger, making a pretty sound ... until you realize that the ice is not going to hold you and you have to change direction, and really fast or tragedy will occur?
That is what it was like for me when I believed in god and Jesus. I taught and was superintendent of Sunday schools, belonged to and held leadership roles in the women's bible study groups and outreach programs. I organized Halloween parties with the kids and fund raisers with the women. I enjoyed the opportunity to serve my community.
Slowly, cracks began to occur in my faith. Small at first, then with the alarm that I had to do something, even if it meant eternal damnation. I left my church and religion and faith behind and started on a new path of trying to understand who I am? what is my purpose in life? why was I born? what is real and what is imagined?
My interests in school centered around the hard subjects. I liked asking questions and doing experiments to test hypotheses. I chose horticulture as my major in college, making sure I concentrated on the hard sciences of horticulture. I wanted to know how germination worked and how plants grew and why they fail. The science of gardening interested me.
My science background gave me the strategy to use in answering my questions. Using the scientific method of problem solving, I formed my hypothesis, set up small experiments. Slowly, incrementally, step by step, I discovered a new way of thinking .... some call it a paradigm shift.
With a new foundation upon which I could stand, life became better and better, healthier and healthier. My three children were ten years old. It was 1974. I put them in the car with two cats and their litters and started a new life. I told my children I would never hit them again. We would work together to solve problems. We would learn how to be a team as we worked to create a new home and lifestyle. It was rough at first, lots of mistakes. Some tears and fears. A lot of saying "I'm sorry, I did that wrong. Let's try again!"
Our garden helped to build our family into a strong team. One day I planted a row of some vegetable seeds and put a label on the row. When they matured they were not the vegetable I had thought they were. I perceived my children as those seeds. For the first ten years of their lives we had been trying to raise them to be what we wanted them to be. Just like that row of falsely labelled seed, they grew into the persons they were inclined to be.
Now, 40 years later, I look with amazement at my three children and just shiver with joy and pride. They grew into individuals far greater than I could ever have imagined. The things I left behind included being dependent, passive, submissive, obedient, obey authority, turn the other cheek, love him to the lord, crucify myself daily in imitation of the crucified christ and rejoice in my crucifixion.
How did I get caught in the belief and in a faith that proved to be so toxic? Why was I so gullible? Why was I naive for so long? Why did I put my trust in a concept that was a consruct created in the minds of men to gain contol of people and property?
How Jesus became God on Humanist Hour