Today I went through a huge mess of old papers and found a lot of things that I wrote in the past. This prompted me to drag out my out journals and diaries. This was the earliest entry I found in which I clearly expressed that I was no longer a believer. At the time I was still living with my fundamentalist baptist family and struggling with the uncertainty of my future.
"How Not to Become a Lapsed Christian Like Me
(The reasons I lost my faith)
- Don't stop going to church and reading your Bible because all those things grow weak and meaningless when you look at them from a distance or from a secular view.
- Don't think too much. (How this is possible? I don't know.)
- Don't read psychology books. Don't learn about the brain.
- Don't start seeing your life from a secular view, in other words, stay away from the real world.
- Don't organize a debate for both sides of the issue in your mind. This leads to faith in your own logic.
- Don't be phased by the fact the the things you "had peace about" lost their peace. Don't wonder why things go wrong when you follow "God's direction."
- Don't humor the idea that a life without biblical boundaries would be better or easier. It's not when you were once a Christian.
- Don't think you can lose your faith. (Don't think that past experience in doubts can save you from future doubts."
On number seven on this list, I'm not sure but I think I was referring to the difficulty of being in the closet. I'm very very happy as an atheist now and slowly began to find happiness for the first time in my life after becoming an agnostic and later an atheist.