Hi. My name’s Ken Ham and I run a Christian apologetics ministry called Answers in Genesis. I believe that the Bible is the infallible word of an infallible God who fathered a son called Jesus. As well as being God’s son, Jesus was also God himself as well as being a holy ghost (in collaboration with God).

Because the Bible is the infallible word of God, the Bible is infallible. So when the Bible suggests that the world is flat (which it does on several occasions), and the secularists (more about them later) suggest that the world is spherical, the world must be flat because it says so in the Bible. This presents a bit of a conundrum. However this is easily solved: When I live in the real world, it is spherical and when I read the Bible it is flat (just like God says it is).

Now, there are people in this world called Secularists. These Secularists are all atheists because they don’t believe in God. Conveniently, they claim not to believe in any gods (such as the many Hindu gods), but they don’t believe in my God in particular. In fact, they hate my God (and all Christians, too). However, as I’ve told them many, many times, they are not really atheists because the know in the muscular organ that resides in their chest and pumps blood around their bodies that they DO really actually really believe in God. They must do, because everybody believes in God, otherwise he would not be infallible, so how can anybody possibly not believe in God? (Incidentally, the other gods that people like Hindus believe in don’t really exist. I’m happy to go along with this, because clearly the notion that their gods could possibly be real is just silly).

All Secularists, who claim that they don’t believe in Gods, are really religious because they don’t worship God. Instead, they worship other gods such as evolution, millions of years, molecules-to-man evolution, other human beings (mostly other Secularists) and science.

Let me tell you about science.  I have a Bachelors degree in Environmental Biology and diploma in Education, so that qualifies me as the world’s leading expert on science. I use this unique knowledge to inform the scientific community that they are not really scientists. You see, they can’t really be scientists because their science contradicts the very real science that is contained in the infallible Bible. (Unless, of course, they do science which does not contradict what it says in the Bible – I’m prepared to accept that they might be real scientists. Especially if they are also Christians).

You see, the problem with secular scientists is that they don’t understand what REAL science is. In fact, there are two types of science: There is Observational Science, which is the real science that produces things like the internet and all that useful stuff. Then there is Historical Science, which isn’t real science because the scientists weren’t there to do the real science at the time. You can’t say what happened in the past if you weren’t there to record and study it when it happened. Now you may say, “but, Ken, you weren’t there either. But I didn’t need to be there, because infallible God was and he wrote it all down in the infallible Bible.

One of the Bible’s most important stories is that of Noah’s Ark. The story is important because it shows what a wonderful, loving and caring god God is when he drowned 99% of all life on Earth, but saved eight people and two or seven of each kind of animal. Noah was told to build a big boat and when the rains came those lucky few were sheltered. The problem is, the secularists, who all believe in the religion of evolution, doubt that this wonderful event actually happened. They raise all sorts of silly objections, such as that millions of animals couldn’t fit on the ark, that it would be impossible for them to survive all cramped together for a whole year, and that there is no evidence for a global flood anyway. But of course, they weren’t there, but our infallible God was and he wrote it all down in the infallible Bible, so the story must be true.

Because the story of Noah and the Flood is such a wonderful example of God’s love and compassion, I am building my own Ark in Kentucky. Although we don’t know what the original ark looked like, because the Bible doesn’t go into too much detail, and although my Ark will never be able to float on water, it will be totally authentic in every detail. The Devil-blighted secularists, however, are strongly opposed to my ark, because they have a deep-seated hatred of God and Christians. They are doing their damn very best to stop my ark being built.

(My apologies, I almost said a very rude word then. It is a well known fact that swearing and cussing is an essential secularist trait, and I would never be so immoral).

This brings me on to another problem with secularists: They are all totally immoral, to the point of being foul, depraved, devil-blighted sinners. Although some secularists give the impression that they are moral creatures, because they do not murder, cheat, steal or commit lewd immoral acts on an everyday basis, they cannot be truly moral because they do not believe in the ultimate moral authority: God. When Adam and Eve ate a piece of fruit in the Garden of Eden, they unleashed immorality and death upon the world, and secularists are the end result.

Of course, the reason why secularists are so devoid of any moral standards, is because of their belief in the religion of evolution, as well as other anti-Biblical sciences such as astronomy, geology, biology, medicine and astrophysics. These secularists believe that one day, molecules became men, and that humans are actually animals. This, of course, is a ridiculous notion. Just because we look like other animals, and we share many of their features such as having skeletons, muscles, skin, hearts, kidneys, livers, lungs, limbs and brains, the infallible word of God in the infallible Bible makes it clear that man was God’s special creation. The secularists conveniently invent things in other sciences to provide the millions of years their religion of evolution requires, whereas the infallible Bible makes it abundantly clear that the Earth is only 6000 years old.

So you see, secularists simply cannot be trusted. They are fallible, base, and believe they are merely molecules and animals. They deliberately deny the revealed truth of God, Jesus and the Bible, all of which in their worldview are entirely fallible. But they are not without hope: They simply need to open their minds to God, ask his forgiveness and they will be saved. And I will do my utmost to lead them to the light through the ministry of Answers in Genesis.

Keep praying, and keep sending in the money (not because I desire financial gain, but because you will be supporting me in my God-given mission to defend His Word).


 (With thanks to researchers at Answers to Genesis who have helped me repeat what I have said many times before).

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Comment by Idaho Spud on March 8, 2015 at 11:02am

To me, it is obviously a spoof, and a fairly good one.

Comment by Patrick Brown on March 7, 2015 at 9:42pm

No worries. It's a sad statement of the theist position that this piece and the real deal are a little too similar to easily tell.

Comment by Patrick Brown on March 7, 2015 at 9:33pm

Freethinker31 the above piece by Dave Godfrey is satire. I commented on this early in the comments.

Comment by Patrick Brown on March 7, 2015 at 1:30pm

What Christians never speak of is that their relationship with God is actually Stockholm Syndrome.  ;-)

Comment by Michael Penn on March 7, 2015 at 2:50am

Now we will go into song here at The Pentecostal Outhouse. Everyone turn to page 193 and we will sing "Power in the Blood." Later we will have our sermon by reverend Jim Bob telling how god needed someone to kill Jebus for him so that if we believed, we could all be saved and redeemed. God will add our named to the big stamp collection book in the sky. This is a much better system than the scape goat coz god loved us all so much that he had himself killed for us.

How can you argue with that? Yes, god loves us, but if you don't do what he says he will send you to hell. Actually you send yourself to hell by not doing what he says. God still loves burnt meat.

Comment by Dyslexic's DOG on March 7, 2015 at 1:01am

Yes, Michael, Dave did it so well, exactly how Hamster appears to view reality.

A megalomaniac with Super-Massive my-side bias.

All in the name of money!

Comment by Michael Penn on March 5, 2015 at 7:57pm

I gotta hand it to you, Dave. That whole piece is exactly how the fundamentalist Evangelical thinks, Pentecostals being the chief ones among them.

Comment by Grinning Cat on March 5, 2015 at 6:45pm

Yeah, and it can be very difficult to distinguish true fundamentalist batshittery from satire.
(Poe's Law)

Comment by Patrick Brown on March 5, 2015 at 6:33pm

Just making sure. ^-^

Text only is a tricky thing once people start going 2-3 levels deep in the sarcasm.

Comment by Dyslexic's DOG on March 5, 2015 at 6:17pm

LOL!  I've heard and read this all before, and Ken's love of bashing god into children.

Ken should be charged with inciting people to commit physical child abuse in the name of indoctrination, as I've also read his "Creating Godly Children in an Ungodly World".

Such an abusive tyrant shouldn't be allowed to run a business and his scientific credentials are nonsense, he never really understood science in the first place.

So, yes, that introductory string of nonsense would most probably be satire as it is almost impossible to be as much a Narcissistic Megalomaniac as Ken Ham is.


Except for Ken Ham, Ray Comfort, Lee Strobel and that other Extreme Narcissistic Megalomaniac in Eric Hovind.

All supreme Nutjobs, telling Lies For Money.

The only thing Megalomaniacs are excellent at.



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