I need a vacation from myself or maybe just the state of La.

I have had the most failtastic week in my life(so far).

First, my anxiety went out of control(what am I saying?? it's still OUT OF control..) and it took me a while to convice my mom that I really really really really really really need to be on anxiety meds.


Second, my depression flared up because of the anxiety(wtf?!). So I just wanted to lay around all day. I didn't let myself though, I made myself do things and actually make headway into moving out of this state. So that's good, except for the depression.


Thirdly, I had a surprise HIV test. I say "surprise" because my mom asked the doc could she do it while they were doing the rest of my blood work. I won't lie: I felt ashamed because I thought my mom assumes that I am some big whore than needs testing. And I felt shame that I was even sexually active to begin with(fyi: in a committed relationship of two years..still felt shame).

I took the test, which they bungled up everything: first, they forgot to ask me to sign an envelope so I can get my results. Second, they didn't answer my question on how long it would take. They spoke in generalities, so I guess that's normal?

When I let my mind f**k with me about the test and possible outcome, mom started to yell at me, because that is what makes a hysterical woman feel better ya know..


Fourth, before all this, I started having pregnancy symptoms that went away within a week. I really didn't know how to think/feel about it because again, it could have just been one of those things where my body was just toying with me. But again I felt pregnant, only to wake up and feel nothing of the sort...


Fifth, before that, my doc noticed that my stress levels are dangerously high. I've tried everything to just..stop being stressed. I've tried thought stopping, I've tried positive thinking, and I'm working on begining an exercise regimin after a small illness. But until then, I don't know what to do. I already see the not-so great things I used to do in order to cope come back up. It was so insidious. Slapping myself to calm down one day. Thinking of self-harm another day. I thought I beat this shit. And here it is at my doorstep and I have no clue what to do.


I've called a psychatrist, because it's what you do when you feel like you're losing your mind and the world is about to either fall apart, explode, or just eat you alive. I'm waiting a response.


I'm looking for a new therapist, because the one I did have wasn't professional. She actually looked at me in disgust when I stated I was 1) atheist and 2) bisexual. *headdesk*


What else? I've been diagnosed with ADD on top of my GAD. So they had to switch my medication not once, but twice this week.


I just want to curl up somewhere and rest...if my brain will let me.

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Comment by Monica S. on April 22, 2011 at 10:57pm

Hey you guys. I am sorry I hadn't responded lately, life did indeed explode, but I got alot done:


-got a therapist and a psychatrist (yay!)


-had a nice talk with my mom..more than once so she's laying off me


- I finally had a good night of sleep last night


- I am responding to the ADD meds, but it seems like my antidepressant might need to be switched to a later time.


-My best friend Amy is planning a day/weekend where me and another friend go and gamble. I'm looking forward to that.


-Found some driving classes. Thank goodness.


-Also, spent about 6 or so hours cleaning. The exhaustion feels good(the muscle pains..not so much)


Life is doing better, but I'm still trying to just chill.


*hugs everyone*

Comment by paul babcock on April 16, 2011 at 4:27pm
I have days like that occasionaly. Dealing with life can be stressful to the point of really not wanting to leave ones room. I think theists make life way more stressful by their cock sure arrogance. They start out being sure of their god with no evidence. They, in fact, take pride in how they have no doubt it. And on that template all their other behavior is based.

Seemingly, with little to no evidence, they are sure about themselves on everything. Generally what they are primarily sure about is how they are right and how everyone who hasn't come to the same brilliant conclusions that they have has to be an idiot.

I don't mean to sound like I am romantisising nonfunctionality, however I do think that (up to a point anyway) stress and insecurity are the proper and appropriate responses to life. If someone isn't stressed out I think it is probably because they haven't examined things closely enuf.

The wife and I live in La.. Living in the bible belt can be a bitch, but I don't know that moving will solve too much as I imagine these people live all over the place.

And finally if your therapist did have that reaction, then not only should you get a new one but your therapist also ought to get a new line of work.



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