So my christmas went okay except for two women losing their minds:
My grandmother and my boyfriend's "memaw". My grandmother threw a fit because I went to spend Christmas with the boyfriend, instead of "with the family". Before I left, she kept picking arguements with my mother and egging her on by talking about how she wish she could see "her family".
The same family that left her nearly blind, starving, and not very clean.
It's upsetting how what me and my mom do just isn't enough, and she's throwing a fit for people who don't even care about her, or us. These are the same people who covered up my molestation and my mom's rape(one before the other). They tell me "we love you even though you are crazy", yet I'm sadly the most well-adjusted of the entire brood. They look their noses down at my mother, who pulled her ass from a chaotic family to make herself into a doctor.
I just don't "get" it.
Then there is "memaw". She hates me. Not because I swear(I don't swear around her). But because I'm a "monkey"(for those not versed in racist talk..it's something you can call a black person). As soon as me and the boyfriend left her domicile, she began talking about how she hated me and wished Daniel would find someone "more appropriate". While it's great that two people defended me, it's annoying that she would pull this mess while I left. I'd rather she'd tell me this in person so I could tell her calmly that: 1) She needs to do the research on her own family, it's obvious she has some "mud race" in her. 2) She can't control everyone just so they would love her and 3) Her belief that I am lower than dirt just turned quite a few of her family against her. They don't hate her(well, Daniel does) but they feel very sorry for her.
But it does bother me, I do my best to be kind, not slap her in the face, and really just not start anything. Yet she loathes me because I'm "dark". It's annoying because it's an issue I haven't completely dealt with. I mean, I like me. I think I am cute even. But dear me, I wonder at times if my life would be easier, or if I'd like myself more if I were Caucasian. I've been doing some research on myself to see why I think this way, and there are so many things. And they are all in the past. It's done.
I have to wade through this bullshit once and for all, or I am going to end up always at the mercy of someone's opinion of me.
As far as health, I am doing okay. I've lost 80 pounds, and I feel great. What I am noticing is how much more I "own" my body. Moving around is awesome, and I don't feel shame in dancing around a bit. I turned 30 last November, but I don't "feel" it except it seems like my sex drive went to 11. And i like it. If anything, it's reminding(informing?) me that I need to learn more about myself sexually. But I have no idea where to start. Basically I'm still new in learning that "not all touches are bad". I feel woefully ill equipped.
I need a group of elder "Big Sisters". They could be of any race...hell..they could even be transgendered. I just need to learn more!