I'm about 4 1/2 sheets to the wind tonight as I have just had about half of a bottle of dark rum to myself, plus one glass of Crown & Coke, so forgive me if this is rambly and somewhat incoherent...
My family, and father, are/were Catholic. Tonight the priest friend of my family came into town. (no, he's not a pedophile, though we give him shit all the time about it).
I posted on another forum that I'm on, that this is one time I'm actually somewhat jealous of my brother and his beliefs... I wish I had someone to blame for this. Some god to be mad at for "taking" my father away from me and my kids... but I don't. I don't get that luxury. My brother told me that when he dies he's "going to kick God in the balls for this." and all I could do was silently wish that I had someone to blame like he thinks he does. I can't get mad at the universe. I can't get mad at life for the fact that it inevitably ends in death. All I can do is miss my dad and fruitlessly wish I had a few more years with him, and that he had a few more years with my kids.
My grandfather died when I was 5 years old... My son is 5... I wish he could have known his grandfather better. My girls will never really know their grandfather, All of my kids will only have vague memories, pictures, and stories from other people about how great their grandfather really was. I think that breaks my heart almost more than losing my father does.
He was a great man. He worked a crappy job for 25+ years just so his family could have a stable home. He loved his wife for 30+ years, and stuck by her even when she herself was on the brink of death last year in July. He taught me about love, life, cars, tools, fishing and camping, and so many other things. He played guitar by ear and was truly humble about his ability to play beautiful music. He was a foster father to over 300 children over the course of 20 years, and always treated every child like part of his own family. I cannot have hoped for a better role model or father in my life.
On the funny side, I definitely got my irreverence from my dad. We were scheduled to head up North for a vacation starting today. My mom and dad were going to spend the first night in their trailer at the priest's house... The priest just confided in me tonight that my father, upon asking him if it was okay to park their trailer at his house, made him three promises... The first two, he couldn't remember, but he said the third he will never forget. My dad, for his third promise to the priest, apparently, promised that he "wouldn't cum in his mouth"!!! LOL! Yeah. My dad may have been Catholic, but he was one hell of an irreverent one!
Anyway, for those who are interested, it seems he died of some kind of heart attack, and probably was dead before he hit the ground. The EMTs hit him 5 times with the defibrulator, but to no avail. They tried adrenaline, etc, but he was gone before he ever even got to the ER.
My own grandfather died of a heart attack, but it was 10 years after a triple by-pass and that was back in the 1980's! My dad was seeing a cardiologist and doing everything he was told to do to try and stay healthy and not have something like this happen. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, except that if you've read this far you should go and hug whoever is most precious to you and let them know how much you love them, because you don't know how much time you'll have with them, and this is the only chance you've got. Make it count.
If you read this far, you deserve a cookie (and not the crappy computer kind). I think I'm going to either go pass out or throw up now. Thanks for reading. Peace.