Never Loved, Never Been in Love, Still Believe In It

Yesterday, It was my day off, so I wanted to hang out w/friends, but everyone was pretty busy for Valentines Day. So in mid dayish I decided to take a stroll out with no agenda and take a long walk out w/an iPod. It was a refreshing walk and I steadied my journey back. I saw a giant bouquet for my neighbor and 4 men in front of it, it was one of those barber shop quartets. I said to myself "Awwwwwww that is sooooo cute!" They began to sing and the face of the couple was just priceless: the female was ecstatic and the male was so happy that the female was happy. Soooooooo beautiful!

I finally got in my house, I began to pout a little: "I wish someone would do that for me" and "Valentine's Day sucks for single people". When I finally stopped pouting, I thought about their facial expressions again (I literally got a shiver typing this) and I just exploded with tears. I mean I just poured out uncontrollably! It was horrible! I went to the bathroom and my eyes were bloodshot red! It scared the living daylights out of me! I haven't cried like that in years! I don't think I was ever envious of a situation in all my life!

I'm 25 years old and I have never been in love with a man or woman, or even directly with anyone for that matter. As a teenager, I was guilt tripped to not have a bf by Catholicism, I had about two, but they didn't really last long to get anywhere, I was moving alot and a huge introvert. I suffered from deep depression when I turned 18 which lead to my Atheist epiphany at 20. At 20 I started to care a bit about my personal appearance and finally put on make up for the first time in my life and did my hair. I got a bit more attention, had sex for the very first time (good experience), and a heap load of confidence. But I still never fell in love.

As a natural skeptic, some friends ask me: "You never fell in love or felt loved, how can you still believe in it?" I tell them I think I see it in people, you see some couples smile, laugh, kiss, the way they move, and I'm not talking about just young couples, some old couples too, especially when you see an old couple hold hands! I yearn to have that feeling! I yearn for someone to have it to me back! ...........But the one thing I don't know is that : Will it ever happen to me? When will I get my turn?

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Comment by Jennifer W on February 16, 2009 at 12:36pm
@Nano - I'll take your advice and in mixing it up. I mean if what I'm doing now is not working, why not? Oh, and guys can be dumb, I try to give out signs but guys don't really respond to them.

@SaintWill - I don't want to sound concieted, but I've been on both sides of the attractiveness scale: pre 20 (yrs old) I never put on makeup, never did my hair, and didn't really took pride on what clothes I wore, and no guys even wanted to get near me. And post 20, I got more guy attention, but pretty much the same results. Thanks for calling me attractive!!
Comment by SaintWill on February 16, 2009 at 8:42am
If it can happen to me, it can happen to you. No, really: to list my character flaws would take all day, and yet ...

Okay, you're 25 and obviously cute. Your chances of finding something solid are hurt a little by being attractive, I'll bet. A lot more guys will be on you, and not many of them will be interesting. But I give it maybe a year.
Comment by Jennifer W on February 16, 2009 at 2:21am
@Martin: I'm trying! I'm sane and glued! I'm not on a biological time clock yet! I got that going for me!

@Patch: I'm still a lil of an introvert, I don't think it'll fade away overnight, but I'm definately less of a hermit. I've been goiing somewhere atleast once a week. I go to a bar once a week, and go clubbing w/ my friends every once in awhile. But those are more geared toward "short term" type of men. I got a real bad experience on online dating, I don't think I'm trying that ever again.
Comment by Patch on February 15, 2009 at 9:26pm
Are you putting your self out there? Or are you still really introverted? I've found that it's not just something that happens. It takes a little doing to do it.

For me, love grows out of a friendship basis first. Romantic or otherwise.
Comment by Martin on February 15, 2009 at 9:22pm
Hang in there



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