There isn't much of a point to this... I am having a hard day today. I've been under a lot of physical stress from my job as I've been working nights and for whatever reason my hormones kick on whenever I'm stressed and I start bleeding. This is also week three without smoking and I'm going to visit my mom later today who is dying of cancer... it's funny, when I typed that I just typed "my mom" instead of my parents. My poor dad.

I need to do something with dad. I am going to ask him to do something with me on father's day. Just he and I - no moms allowed. He's so devoted to mom as a full time caretaker without his own agenda I worry he doesn't have his own identity anymore; It scares the shit out of me because I don't know what will happen to him when she dies. I want to spend time talking to him one-on-one because I am worried that I'm going to be such a wreck when it happens that I won't be any help to him.

Of course he's probably counting on that. He'll want to take care of me and my sister but eventually we'll all have to pick up the pieces and move on. What then?

I'm worrying about everything today. The reason I'm writing this here is because a major concern I have is for the funeral ... and she's not dead yet ... but I can see it looming. I am going to be a wreck, my anger will be up, my inhibitions will be down, and I have too many religious relatives to avoid the idiot remarks about heaven and seeing her again.

As it is, if I have one more person tell me, "it's in God's hands" I will punch them square in the face.

Unfortunately, my mom says the same thing. I guess I will have to make an exception. It causes a wrenching feeling inside when she does because I know it's not in anyone's hands. It's in her chest and wrapped around her carotid artery. It's not in anyone's hands because it's inoperable and metasiticized... and forgive if me if my spelling is phucked up, but I can't be bothered to check it just now... and it's not in any hands.

I'm glad it gives her comfort to think so I guess; but it doesn't help me and only serves to emphasize to me how helpless we all are in this situation.


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