So I run faster, but he caught me here

I started therapy and seeing a shrink for about a month or so now(or is it two months? crap..). Things have been a bit tense lately, and well, being honest about things to a person who doesn't know you that akin to taking a too small bandaid off of a festering, gaping wound.


In other words, it hurts like hell. But keeping it all in hurts even more. I really wished, however, that someone would have warned me of the "overflow" that occurs after a therapy appointment. Last week, we talked about my rejection from my family since birth, my sexual abuse, and my shame of being born as a product of incest.


The therapist's response? "It sounds like the rejection from your family is their fault and their problem."


It sounded really harsh(to me) but it's true(I think?). I'm only human, and I can't please these people all the time..or any time. This...deep wound of rejection nearly killed me, because I felt as if I had to be perfect all the time. I felt as if I needed to be that "perfect christian" "perfect daughter" and "perfect family member". Just so someone would love me, protect me..make believe I'm valuable.


I took their opinion and took it as gospel. That's why I am in this quagmire now. Through the systematic destruction of my idea of myself through ridicule, being beat with cords and high heeled shoes, raped,lied on...I lost sight of myself. At times, I wonder that "she" does not exist, and instead is something I made up to not go completely insane or go running off the roof of a three story building. 


Logically, I know that "me" brain exists. I just at times feel as if I am that child again, being victimized by my older female cousin and the boyfriend of my very married aunt. I try not to "think" about it for too long, because the questions begin to come. And well, I don't have any of the answers. All I know is that going through that caused me to see myself as only my private parts. And well, I was raised to think of such body parts as extremely dirty. So, yeah..i believed I was dirty and could in no way shape or form become clean.

When I hit age 12 or so, I heard a sermon on how God is the god of second chances and even though people may reject you, that he won't. That was the honey to get me stuck on the fly paper. Basically, I was being told that I was imperfect, damaged even..and it was only through God that I could become "whole". I never became whole, and I felt like such a damn failure(and oh did the church members cause me to think it too..).

So I bottled up all the hate towards myself, bitterness towards myself, confusion over wtf happened to me, etc in my heart. Only to have it splash into my life now. The night terrors have subsided, but that very palatble fear that "HE" is there has gotten a bit worse. My past "therapist(through the catholic church) told my I should just laugh at my fear instead of figure out why it's still going on.

I'm honestly tired of feeling as if they are still inside me, doing those very same things to me that landed me in therapy in the first damn place. But I'm to the point I'm just so damn tired of being "on guard" and telling myself "this is just a panic attack".


I want to be well. But it is as if the getting well might kill me worse than the illness. Sorry for the bitching guys. Just had to get it out.


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Comment by Michael Smith on July 2, 2011 at 9:02am
The fact that people read this and want to help may be unfortunate, so feel free to delete this if it doesn't help.

Ironic that people telling you your private parts are dirty might have been more abusive than any physical abuse heaped upon you. That is definitely something I can find commonality with (even though I have been incredibly fortunate in my life overall). I realized that such beliefs don't make any kind of sense whatsoever when subjected to logical scrutiny. The church thrives on character assassination, where everything good you do is from God, and everything bad you do is from yourself. Aside from being logically questionable, it is a thoroughly miserable way to live. Small wonder Christianity produces so many hypocrites.

You have to reclaim the victories in your life for yourself. Knowing such victories in your life will come and cherishing them when they do helps.
Research child abuse. Try to understand what you're going through. Recognize you aren't alone, and that many people go through the same thing and have lived well-adjusted lives. What you find there may not always be pleasant, but that will make you better cherish the hope that it gives you.
Eat well, Exercise and get plenty of sleep. Recognize your biological basis, and care for your body's basic needs. This extends to sexual health. Masturbate and consume erotic media. If you're with somebody, have fun with them. Create some good sexual experiences.

Our minds can trick us into thinking we're worried about something, when in fact, we are just seeking an explanation for a biological problem. It isn't all about your past. For me, being self-aware helps a lot. It really does.
Comment by Monica S. on June 28, 2011 at 10:58pm
Maybe so wanderer. I just tell myself that sometimes shit happens.
Comment by Monica S. on June 28, 2011 at 2:13pm
Thanks ya'll. I'm going to talk more about it on here, because my mom sadly enough is on FB so she doesn't need the heartache.
Comment by Jedi Wanderer on June 28, 2011 at 11:50am
I dısagree, yes ıt was their fault but it most certainly has been your problem to deal with all the psychological damage they wrought. The worst kind of damage is the kind which attacks one's self-esteem and sense of self. These kinds of people are the worst offenders because they attack where ıt causes the most damage. I have suffered emotıonal attacks myself, and though the damage was not so bad as what you have had to endure, ıt hurts lıke hell all the same, so I can only ımagıne what you are goıng through. Therapy dıd not help me eıther, eıther because they were too stupıd to address the damage to my self-esteem and consequent loss of motıvatıon for lıvıng or... no that's probably ıt. Anyway I wısh you the best, I hope you manage to fınd yourself more whole and more at peace wıth who you are, and let us know how you are doıng, okay? Thınk of us as part of your new famıly and know that we value and apprecıate you.
Comment by Earther on June 28, 2011 at 8:41am
Thanks for your tragic story.  I can really tell that you are trying to find respect in yourself and the world.  I try to think of it as a survival skill, infact I like to watch survival shows to gain skills in the area of respect for myself and others.  I am glad you are seeking help through counseling but my frustration through counseling is that fact that we are seeking counseling through a religiously dominated society.  We seek clarity through people who accept the other life form.  I just get worn out by the whole idea of who is there to be helpful in a time of need.  I guess I am just reminding you of how much you need to depend on yourself for your own health.  It's got to be a skill that you practice everyday.  "How do I improve my life today"?  "How can I better my odds of accepting myself and others"?  I am thinking of taking a short cooking class to help myself, if I can afford it.  Sitting by the water like a fountain, a river or ocean can be very soothing for me.  No one can take away our pains we just have to build ontop of them.  Not to cover them up but to have a resource to continue living.  Hopefully the choice we make are positive ones that we did not get from the people we depended on in the past.

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