I started therapy and seeing a shrink for about a month or so now(or is it two months? crap..). Things have been a bit tense lately, and well, being honest about things to a person who doesn't know you that well..is akin to taking a too small bandaid off of a festering, gaping wound.
In other words, it hurts like hell. But keeping it all in hurts even more. I really wished, however, that someone would have warned me of the "overflow" that occurs after a therapy appointment. Last week, we talked about my rejection from my family since birth, my sexual abuse, and my shame of being born as a product of incest.
The therapist's response? "It sounds like the rejection from your family is their fault and their problem."
It sounded really harsh(to me) but it's true(I think?). I'm only human, and I can't please these people all the time..or any time. This...deep wound of rejection nearly killed me, because I felt as if I had to be perfect all the time. I felt as if I needed to be that "perfect christian" "perfect daughter" and "perfect family member". Just so someone would love me, protect me..make believe I'm valuable.
I took their opinion and took it as gospel. That's why I am in this quagmire now. Through the systematic destruction of my idea of myself through ridicule, being beat with cords and high heeled shoes, raped,lied on...I lost sight of myself. At times, I wonder that "she" does not exist, and instead is something I made up to not go completely insane or go running off the roof of a three story building.
Logically, I know that "me"..my brain exists. I just at times feel as if I am that child again, being victimized by my older female cousin and the boyfriend of my very married aunt. I try not to "think" about it for too long, because the questions begin to come. And well, I don't have any of the answers. All I know is that going through that caused me to see myself as only my private parts. And well, I was raised to think of such body parts as extremely dirty. So, yeah..i believed I was dirty and could in no way shape or form become clean.
When I hit age 12 or so, I heard a sermon on how God is the god of second chances and even though people may reject you, that he won't. That was the honey to get me stuck on the fly paper. Basically, I was being told that I was imperfect, damaged even..and it was only through God that I could become "whole". I never became whole, and I felt like such a damn failure(and oh did the church members cause me to think it too..).
So I bottled up all the hate towards myself, bitterness towards myself, confusion over wtf happened to me, etc in my heart. Only to have it splash into my life now. The night terrors have subsided, but that very palatble fear that "HE" is there has gotten a bit worse. My past "therapist(through the catholic church) told my I should just laugh at my fear instead of figure out why it's still going on.
I'm honestly tired of feeling as if they are still inside me, doing those very same things to me that landed me in therapy in the first damn place. But I'm to the point I'm just so damn tired of being "on guard" and telling myself "this is just a panic attack".
I want to be well. But it is as if the getting well might kill me worse than the illness. Sorry for the bitching guys. Just had to get it out.